We don’t need any of those steeenkin’ college-educated doctors

Via The Onion (of course), Dr. Mike Ruddy proclaims:

‘m a doctor, and I’m damn good at it. Why? Because I learned to be a doctor the old-fashioned way: gumption, elbow grease, and trial and error. I’m not one of these blowhards in a white coat who’ll wear your ears out with 10 hours of mumbo-jumbo technical jargon about “diagnosis” this and “prognosis” that, just because he loves the sound of his own voice. No sir. I just get the job done.

Those fancy-pants college-boy doctors are always making a big deal about their “credentials.” But I’m no show-off phony with a lot of framed pieces of paper on the wall–I’m the real deal. I got my M.D. on the street. These people think they’re suddenly a “doctor” because they memorized a lot of big words and took a bunch of formal tests. But there’s plenty of things about being a doctor they’ll never learn in their ivory-tower medical school.

For example, did you know that human intestines, if they spill out of the abdomen during surgery, can spool out all over the floor if you’re not careful? You won’t find that in a book, my friend.

When it comes to practicing medicine, I focus on the basics. In a life-threatening situation, you’ve got to think on your feet. I don’t waste time going on and on about which virus is which or whose blood type is whose. I get out the tools, roll up the shirt sleeves, slick back my hair, and get in there all the way up to the elbows. The patient’s not going to magically heal just because you know a lot of complicated terms like “bovine spongiform encephalitis,” or “antibiotics.”


Got his M.D. on the street? Maybe this guy and Hulda Clark should get together and set up a clinic.

Oh, and the surgery books do actually tell you how to treat the small intestine when doing abdominal surgery to keep it from “spilling out all over the floor.” Well, that’s not exactly what they tell you. Thanks to the mesentery that tethers the small bowel to the posterior wall of the abdominal cavity, the bowel usually won’t reach that far outside the body without some help. You’d think Dr. Ruddy would know that if he had as much “practical experience” as he claims.