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Humor Medicine Surgery

We don’t need any of those steeenkin’ college-educated doctors

Via The Onion (of course), Dr. Mike Ruddy proclaims:

‘m a doctor, and I’m damn good at it. Why? Because I learned to be a doctor the old-fashioned way: gumption, elbow grease, and trial and error. I’m not one of these blowhards in a white coat who’ll wear your ears out with 10 hours of mumbo-jumbo technical jargon about “diagnosis” this and “prognosis” that, just because he loves the sound of his own voice. No sir. I just get the job done.

Those fancy-pants college-boy doctors are always making a big deal about their “credentials.” But I’m no show-off phony with a lot of framed pieces of paper on the wall–I’m the real deal. I got my M.D. on the street. These people think they’re suddenly a “doctor” because they memorized a lot of big words and took a bunch of formal tests. But there’s plenty of things about being a doctor they’ll never learn in their ivory-tower medical school.

For example, did you know that human intestines, if they spill out of the abdomen during surgery, can spool out all over the floor if you’re not careful? You won’t find that in a book, my friend.

When it comes to practicing medicine, I focus on the basics. In a life-threatening situation, you’ve got to think on your feet. I don’t waste time going on and on about which virus is which or whose blood type is whose. I get out the tools, roll up the shirt sleeves, slick back my hair, and get in there all the way up to the elbows. The patient’s not going to magically heal just because you know a lot of complicated terms like “bovine spongiform encephalitis,” or “antibiotics.”


Got his M.D. on the street? Maybe this guy and Hulda Clark should get together and set up a clinic.

Oh, and the surgery books do actually tell you how to treat the small intestine when doing abdominal surgery to keep it from “spilling out all over the floor.” Well, that’s not exactly what they tell you. Thanks to the mesentery that tethers the small bowel to the posterior wall of the abdominal cavity, the bowel usually won’t reach that far outside the body without some help. You’d think Dr. Ruddy would know that if he had as much “practical experience” as he claims.

By Orac

Orac is the nom de blog of a humble surgeon/scientist who has an ego just big enough to delude himself that someone, somewhere might actually give a rodent's posterior about his copious verbal meanderings, but just barely small enough to admit to himself that few probably will. That surgeon is otherwise known as David Gorski.

That this particular surgeon has chosen his nom de blog based on a rather cranky and arrogant computer shaped like a clear box of blinking lights that he originally encountered when he became a fan of a 35 year old British SF television show whose special effects were renowned for their BBC/Doctor Who-style low budget look, but whose stories nonetheless resulted in some of the best, most innovative science fiction ever televised, should tell you nearly all that you need to know about Orac. (That, and the length of the preceding sentence.)

DISCLAIMER:: The various written meanderings here are the opinions of Orac and Orac alone, written on his own time. They should never be construed as representing the opinions of any other person or entity, especially Orac's cancer center, department of surgery, medical school, or university. Also note that Orac is nonpartisan; he is more than willing to criticize the statements of anyone, regardless of of political leanings, if that anyone advocates pseudoscience or quackery. Finally, medical commentary is not to be construed in any way as medical advice.

To contact Orac: [email protected]

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