Found on the Internets via e-mail:
With with the holidays fast approaching, please accept — with no obligation, implied or implicit, on behalf of the wisher or wishee — my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice, practiced within the traditions and/or within the religious or secular belief(s) of your choice and with respect for the traditions and/or religious or secular beliefs of others or for their choice to not practice traditions and/or religious or secular beliefs at all; and for a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling, medically-uncomplicated recognition of the onset of what is generally accepted as the new Gregorian calendar year, but with due respect for calendars of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great*, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, sexual orientation, political affiliation, or choice of computer operating system of the wisher.
By accepting this greeting you are accepting the terms of the greeting and all responsibility associated with it. This greeting is subject to clarification and/or revocation at any time at the discretion of the wisher. This greeting is non-transferable without the express written consent of the wisher. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or for others. This greeting is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. Warranty is limited to replacement of this greeting or issuance of a new greeting at the sole discretion of the wisher, who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress this greeting may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
By accepting this greeting you agree to subscribe to annual updates at a cost completely arbitrary to the wisher at the time of renewal. Failure to subscribe – in effect, failure to renew this greeting -will result in forfeiture of the original greeting, loss of your parents’ homes, euthanasia for your and your neighbors’ pets, and prosecution in a kangaroo court of law comprised of the wisher’s closest friends and paid business associates, convened by the wisher at a location deemed most inconvenient to you. Reading of this disclaimer constitutes your acceptance of the greeting. Oh, and I almost forgot…this disclaimer supersedes all local, state and federal laws previously enacted to prevent such disclaimers from superseding all local, state and federal laws.
* This does not imply that the United States of America is necessarily greater than any other country, or that it is the only America in the western and/or eastern hemispheres.