Hide your children! Gay bands are coming for them to make them gay too!

Oh, no! The gay bands are here! Hide your children, and keep them away from this corruption! So sayeth Donnie Davies, an evangelical preacher who runs a website called Love God’s Way:

One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children’s listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy.

Oooh. Scary!

But let’s look at the list of bands that Davies thinks we should all watch out for and protect our children from. The first thing I noticed is that Elton John is listed twice. Given what a total diva queen he is,that may actually be the only appropriate thing in Davies’ fevered homophobic rambling, although the comment after the second mention of Elton John’s name (“really gay”) cracks me up. Elton John? Really gay? Ya think?

Davies clearly has a thing or two to learn. After all, he lists Morrissey as “questionable?” regarding whether he is gay. Come on, dude, even though Morrissey is notoriously tight-lipped about his sexual orientation and claims to be celibate, have you ever listened to some his Smiths songs, like This Charming Man or I Want The One I Can’t Have, or his solo work, like I Have Forgiven Jesus (in which at one point Morrissey asks Jesus in his usual inimitable fashion why He gave him “so much desire, when there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire”)? Basically, Morrissey seems to be celibate and closeted, but definitely gay, at least as far as I can tell. And don’t get me started on Wilco? Wilco, a “gay band”? I think Wilco’s a solid band, albeit overrated, but either gay or “propagating a gay message” (whatever that means)? That’s a stretch. (Some ScienceBloggers here won’t be happy about this bit of idiocy, I suspect.) And The Rolling Stones? Please. That fling between Mick Jagger and David Bowie was a one time thing and happened nearly 35 years ago! Really. Bowie’s even been happily married for nearly 15 years now to a really hot model, Iman, and Mick’s spent the last four decades bedding and marrying various models and singers, producing children by four different women.

It’s obvious that Davies has no clue what he’s talking about (Metallica, The Doors, and Kansas are all “gay bands”?), but it amuses nonetheless to look at which of these bands/performers that he thinks we should “watch out for” whose CDs happen to reside in my music library. Let’s see, out of the list: Elton John? Check. (I have lots of Elton John CDs.) David Bowie? He’s only my favorite rock performer of all time, nearly every album of whose I have in my CD collection. Smiths? Check. Morrissey? Yep. Let’s see, here are the others that I have in my collection, and for some of them I have several CDs: Bjōrk, The Faint, Interpol, Pet Shop Boys, The Doors, Queen (I have most of their albums on CD), The Strokes, Sufjan Stevens (one of my favorites right now), Metallica, Judas Priest, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Arcade Fire (my favorite new band of 2004), Depeche Mode, Kansas, Velvet Underground, Nirvana, The Killers, Lou Reed, Frank Sinatra…

Holy crap, wait a minute!

Frank Sinatra??? The Chairman of the friggin’ Board? Main man (with Dean Martin) in the Rat Pack? Either my gaydar isn’t working, or this website has to be a joke. Or maybe–just maybe– Davies has been punk’d in response to his request:

In Our effort to keep this list up to date we’d appreciate your help. If you know of a band that is Gay or propogating a Gay message please email us so we can update. Donnie is handling this his email is: donniedavies@gmail.com

Yes, I’m guessing he’s been punk’d, rather than having a big joke at everyone’s expense as a means of self-promotion. For one thing, there’s too much other wacky stuff on his various websites that’s similar to what I’ve seen other fundamentalist preachers say about rock bands. Someone who doesn’t really believe this stuff would have a hard time making this stuff up. Davies also missed some very obvious candidates. Hellooo! R.E.M., anyone? Michael Stipes? What about one of the most openly gay bands of all time, Bronski Beat? I know Bronski Beat t hasn’t existed for 20 years, but neither has Frankie Goes To Hollywood, and that band somehow made it onto Davies’ list. And what about gay icons like Liza Minelli? Come on, dude! You have a lot to learn about real gay music! (I leave it as an exercise to the reader to point out more omissions.)

But even more amusing is Davies’ list of “safe” bands:

UnderOath
Cyndi Lauper
Falling Up
Flyleaf
THE TURNING
Disciple
P.O.D
By The Tree
Scott Reed
Michael W. Smith
Jars of Clay
DC Talk
Danielson

I’m sorry, but I submit to you that, given the “quality” of their music, P.O.D. and Jars of Clay are not safe for anyone. Nor, for that matter, is Davies’ own band Evening Service, and as evidence for my assertion I submit to you this video, in which he sings “God hates a fag,” “if you’re a fag he hates you too,” and that “being gay is a nothing but a choice.” (On second thought, maybe this whole thing is a joke; no one could be serious about something like this, could they? I mean, look at the lyrics, as provided by Pam!) Indeed, he’s even appropriated Psychedelic Furs’ classic song Love My Way to his own nefarious ends as Love God’s Way. In fact, none of the bands certified by Davies as “safe” is, actually, so (at least not if you count talent), with the possible exception of Cyndi Lauper. Indeed, if I were Cyndi Lauper, I’d consider suing to demand to be taken off this clown’s “safe” list.

No self-respecting rocker or pop star can tolerate being on Donnie’s list of approved bands. It’s bad for her image.

So who is Donnie Davies? Well, he claims to be a “reformed” homosexual:

C.H.O.P.S is the powerful new program developed by Christian Youth expert Donnie Davies. C.H.O.P.S stands for CHANGING HOMOSEXUALS into ORDINARY PEOPLE.

If you have been having feelings that you DO NOT want to have towards people of the same sex as you, then this is the program for you.

If you’ve been acting on those same feelings, then this is DEFINATELY the program you’ve been looking for.

Hello Friends, I hope you take the time to read the quote by our good friend and compatriot, Oscar Wilde. In that one quote Oscar brings to life the isolation and despair of what he refers to as “us”, the homosexuals. It is a long, lonely, desolate road, homosexuality. I’ve been there, friends. I know how horrible and rough that road can be. I have been called a “Faggot”. You are not alone and guess what, God Loves You even if he hates your Homosexuality. You just can’t stay that way. Let me help you love yourself. Follow me and together we’ll C.H.O.P.S away the Gay.

If his video is any indication, Donnie probably needs another C.H.O.P.S. treatment.

Of course, Davies is full of crap; there’s a strong genetic component to sexual orientation, and most homosexuals can’t just “go straight,” even if they want to. It’s not as though this hasn’t been tried time and time again and met failure again and again. Trying to force gays to “go straight” will just result in psychological harm or will turn them into closeted or celibate gays. In most cases, it will succeed only in making them miserable. (Maybe that’s the whole point.) But it’s worse than that. Donnie doesn’t just stop there:

Oscar Wilde, my hero, was a reformed homosexual. He went to prison for his sins. Once he was alone with his thouhgts, in jail, he saw the errors of his ways and repented. He died as a Christian. While I’m not advocating jailing all Homosexuals, I do think it would benefit them greatly. It would be for their own good. When a person is forced to think they will generally be able to see their problems and solve them by themselves.

Lovely. How long before we see Davies meeting up with “Reverend” Phelps?

ADDENDUM: Jesus’ General has a take on it that, given that Ted Nugent’s brand of ear-splitting metal still happens to be one of my guilty pleasures:

Pam also showed me your list of bands who promote homosexuality. It’s a good list. You have all of the usual suspects, The Doors, Cole Porter, The Eagles of Deathmetal, The Village People, Ravi Shankar, etc, but I have to wonder why you left out Ted Nugent. The man sings songs about “bears” and wears a loincloth for heaven sakes.

Loincloths have special powers, special evil powers. A man, no matter how committed to a heterosexual lifestyle he might be, can’t resist staring at a well-filled loincloth. The staring leads to all sorts of impure thoughts. Throw in a song about a bear, and the next thing you know, you’re in a dingy Vancouver dive trimming some lumberjack’s timber for smoke money.

So please consider adding Ted Nugent to your list. The guy’s a one-man recruitment machine.

Indeed.

ADDENUM #2: Dan Savage has some ideas about whether this is a hoax or not, arguing that Davies may be both a hoaxer and a homophobic jerk. He has a point.There’s also a rather lively debate over whether or not this is a hoax, with the majority of participants concluding that it is. You be the judge, but, before you decide, peruse this extra bit of evidence.

What say you?