Your Friday Dose of Woo: The Color of Woo (Green, Of Course!)

Like most people, I like making money. True, it’s not the main goal of my life (otherwise I definitely wouldn’t be in academics), but, all in all, it’s better to be comfortably off than to be poor. And, as I’ve said before, although I could make more in private practice, I don’t do too badly as an academic surgeon. I can afford a decent house, a nice car, computers, and gadgets, and still save for retirement. Of course, key to that is not spending beyond my means, as some at my income level somehow still manage to do, but wouldn’t it be nice if you could access forces and powers that would–shall we say?–direct a bit more of the green stuff your way? We’re not talking doing anything illegal here. Oh, no. Would Orac lead you astray that way? Of course not!

Woo can help you make money. No, I’m not referring to the fact that selling woo can make you a lot of money (although that is certainly true), but rather to a stupendous new crystal that I’ve become aware sold by a company called Life Technology, which bills itself as the “world’s leading researcher in the fields of Alternative Health, Alternative Medicine, Alternative Therapies, Rife, Radionics, Psychotronics, Psionics, Homeopathy, Alchemy, Subtle Energy Therapies, Metaphysics, Kabbalah, Magick, New Age Subjects, Self Help, Hypnosis, NLP, Spiritual Technologies, Ormus, Orgone, Orgonomy, Free Energy and related areas of Alternative Science.” As the company website states:

Life Technology™ was established in 1993 as an holistic therapies practice with the aim to conduct research into several related fields of subtle energy medicine. Our aim is to evaluate new treatment methods in vibrational energy medicine and to further develop and evolve these healing technologies. Our vision is to enhance the quality of human life through adoption of safe ,natural and effective holistic therapies. Our mission is to improve human health through the application of innovative subtle energy technologies.

For more than 10 years, Life Technology™ has been manufacturing, prescribing and supplying homeopathic/herbal remedies backed by a qualified professional consultancy service. In recent years our field of research has widened to incorporate other cutting edge methods from the dynamic and diverse fields of vibrational energy medicine and progressive science.

With a pedigree like that, how can you go wrong? So how can this woo help you–yes, you!–make money? Oh ye of little faith! Have a look at my absolute favorite woo product among a prodigiously woo-ey lineup of products offered by Life Technology: The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™ (a.k.a. The Ultimate in Financial Abundance Engineering Technology™).

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I first became aware of this amazing crystal in a roundabout way, though my fellow skeptical blogger (and host of the next Meeting of the Skeptics’ Circle), EoR at The Second Sight, where he was discussing another of Life Technology’s products, the Atlantean Power Crystal™, a bit of woo so amazing that I was initially annoyed that EoR had found it first, thus leaving me the choice of sloppy woo seconds or leaving such premium Grade A prime woo unmolested.

Fortunately for me, Life Technology has more than enough woo to go around for an entire meeting of the Skeptics’ Circle, as this description of The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™ shows:

Here at Life Technology™ we have had a substantial number of enquiries from existing users of the very popular and hugely successful Psychotronic Money Magnet™, asking us if we could create especially for them a Super-Sized and Super-Powerful version. Up until this time, the only Super Sized and Super Powerful Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Has been sitting on the CEO, Aurum Solis’s desk and for obvious reasons we were very reluctant to part with that particular Money Magnet because it was responsible for the observed vast increases in company profits between the year 2000 and today. However, since so many enquiries and requests have been received, we have decided to offer this “Professional Version” to the public for the very first time in 2006.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is not only ten times larger than the original version (500grams approx in comparison to 50grams), but as a consequence of charging this massive chunk of beautiful clear quartz crystal for one full lunar cycle (28 days) IT IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST POWERFUL VERSION OF THE PSYCHOTRONIC MONEY MAGNET™ EVER CREATED!!! To avoid unnecessary waiting times, we keep several specimens in stock at our laboratory. Storage inside a 6 foot pyramid guarantees optimal charge retention characteristics.

Ah, lots of capital letters and exclamation points, one sign that we’re dealing with some real woo here. I particularly savor the image of all these crystals sitting within 6 foot pyramids, in order to keep them charged with whatever “subtle energy” it is that supposedly gives them their power. Of course, it’s hard to resist mentioning that the reason that Aurum Solis’ Super-Sized and Super Powerful Psychotronic Money Magnet™ works so well at pulling in money for Life Technology hand over fist is because there are so many creduloids willing to believe that a crystal can make them money, too–and can accomplish this feat by doing something like this:

Psychotronic generators are devices said to be capable of storing subtle energy. The nature of the energy stored is still not understood, but over the years a number of observations about its effects have been reported. It can be reflected, refracted, polarized, and combined with other forms of energy. It creates effects similar to magnetism, heat, electricity, and luminous radiation, but is itself none of these. The energy apparently can be conducted by paper, wood, silk, and other substances normally considered to be good insulators. It is widely recognised that the Soviets are at the forefront of medical and parapsychological research and Psychotronic generators have been tested by commissions of experts from the Czechoslovakian Academy of Sciences and the University of Hradec Kralove in Prague.

Psychotronic Generator is a term which was introduced by Russian Psychotronic Research. At the present time, there are only two companies in the world who are actively engaged in the innovative research and development of Psychotronic Generator Technology. The companies involved are Life Technology™ and Tim Rifat.

The Psychotronic Generator™ is charged and programmed using The Solis Method™ patented By Life Technology™. The Solis Method™ utilises the toroidal power of implosion, orgone energy, phi harmonics, tensor fields, sonics and ultasonics, visible and invisible light spectrum energy and, most crucially, utilises a specific ancient and powerful Kabbalah formula to encode an intelligent archetypal energy template within the crystalline matrix of The Psychotronic Generator™.

In fact, the Ultra-Advanced Psychotronic Magnet Professional Version 1;.0™ is but a subset of the Psychotronic Generators sold by Life Technology, the others including Radionics; Magick and Psychic Powers; Spiritual Protection; Luck And Success; Optimal Health And Healing; Anti-Aging; Increased Longevity And DNA Repair; Soulmate Love, Romantic And Sexual Love; and Joy Peace And Happiness. Financial woo is but a subset of the woo here.

But how, pray tell, does the Ultra-Advanced Psychotronic Magnet Professional Version 1;.0™ result in more money coming your way. (We already know how it results in more money heading Aurum Solis’s way.) Why, glad you asked, pardner:

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 utilises a specific frequency, 7.83Hz which is the natural ‘Schumann’ frequency of the planet. This frequency simulates the delta brainwave of the human mind and thereby acts as a carrier wave to convey the archetypal information into the subconscious mind, the sphere of causal engineering, ie consciously creating and manifesting ones desires.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 acts by establishing a new pattern of financial abundance in the subconscious and subtle energy fields of the user by harnessing the lifeforce and wealth enhancing powers of the Hebrew letters of the Kaballah. It is widely recognised in esoteric science and by experts in ancient languages such as James Hurtak and Stan Tenen among others that Hebrew letters through their specific mathematical structural geometry contain information that encodes life force energy, ie it provides an intelligent template for natural creative forces. It is these magical creative powers of The Kabbalah that we harness and focus in the preparation of The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0

[…]

Essentially, when the intelligently programmed matrix of The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 interacts with the conscious will of the operator it causes subtle changes to occur in the microcosmic universe which translates to manifestation in the macrocosmic universe (real world).

i-1110bce922013e23b0da599673ced6bc-moneymagnetpro.gifIt all sounds so simple when put in those terms, doesn’t it? At least now I know how Madonna probably makes her money these days. Obviously, given her conversion to Kabbalah, she must be harnessing the life force- and wealth-enhancing powers of the Hebrew letters through their specific mathematical geometry. And I bet you thought she just made lame music and did intentionally “shocking” routines in her show. Well, you’re wrong.

You know, looking at this woo, I think I’ve finally found something that rivals DNA Activation for pure, unadulterated, wacky woo-iness. I mean, it has it all: New Agey religiosity related to the “life energy” or “earth energy”; “subtle energy fields”; intelligent archetypal energy; orgone energy;phi harmonics; tensor fields,sonics and ultrasonics; and, best of all, the toroidal power of implosion. (I just love that last term; maybe I’ll find a way to adopt it to “real” medicine. The “toroidal power” of imploding chemotherapy, perhaps? Or maybe I, too, could learn to use this crystal to realign tensor fields, subtle energy fields, and phi harmonics. After all, I already use ultrasonics in breast surgery. Well, boring old ultrasound, anyway. And it works by well-established scientific principles, unlike the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™.

But what about skeptics like me? I mean, what about guys who are total buzzkills when it comes to woo like this? Apparently we are no match for the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™:

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 facilitates the upgrading and replacing of negative subconscious beliefs with positive ones.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is so powerful in fact that it will over-ride the belief system of the most hardened sceptic, and will reverse the mindset of the most pessimistic belief system.

The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 will naturally induce a theta state in the user’s mind as it alters reality to make money, wealth, abundance and affluence etc. more probable. The Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is charged with the specific financial abundance and wealth creation programming described above ,or it may be programmed with your own specific intention. On request, Life Technology™ can create a Lifetech Psychotronic Generator™ to generate any operational trend field which will facilitate the materialisation of any wish.

Any wish? What is this thing? A genie in a bottle or something?

So how much for this amazing crystal? How much would you pay for all these wondrous things? Well, lucky for you, Life Technology has a special offer:

Each individually created Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 is priced at $899.95. As a special bonus, we are supplying an Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Micro Version 1.0 pendant worth $89.95 free of charge with every full sized Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet™ Professional Version 1.0 purchased.

They also have a “Nano” version, too, just like the iPod nano. (Apple marketing infiltrates even woo-meisters, I guess.)

I guess my question about all of this is: If these crystals work by increasing the probability of wealth coming your way, how effective is each one? I mean, if for example the original Psychotronic Money Magnet increase the likelihood of money coming your way by, say, 10%, does that mean that the Nano version only increases it by 5%, or that the Professional Version increases it by 50%? Is the power of these crystals proportional to their volume? How is all this amazing energy locked into the crystal structure? Scientifically inquiring minds want to know!

Of course, we already know the answer to one question. We know that these crystals are 100% effective at separating suckers from their money and enhancing the wealth and earnings of Life Technology.