Prince turned my son gay!

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Believe it or not, the FCC is receiving a fair number of complaints over the Superbowl halftime show featuring His Purpleness, particularly the part where he did a bit of a phallic thing with his guitar (as if generations of rockers haven’t done the whole guitar as wank-off thing since at least the 1960’s–heck David Bowie used to simulate oral sex on Mick Ronson’s guitar back in his Ziggy Stardust days, although I will concede that he never played the Superbowl). I mean, get a load of this complaint:

During Prince’s rendition of Purple Rain, which I think is a really great song, there seemed to be a shadow puppet of his (penis). The sheet that was the backdrop seemed to be stained with something (semen?) My children were watching and now I have to explain to them what a wet spot is on a cum-covered sheet. Thanks CBS.

Pardon the language; I’m quoting it because it’s so bizarrely stupid that I find it hard to believe. Did it ever occur to this person that the sheet was wet because-oh–it was raining like crazy during Prince’s performance. Really. I was wondering how he and his band were avoiding getting electrocuted.

It gets better (or worse if you’re thinking of anything other than the sheer entertainment value of reviewing comments from the brain dead). I’m including some more of these comments found at The Smoking Gun below the fold:

How can you show Prince at the the half time show doing what he did??? How could that not be censored??? Tell me it was not meant to be what it depicted! A cloth with him silhouetted behind it with a guitar that looked very much like an enlarged, engorged penis! and him stroking it!!! and this is supposed to be better than an accidental tenth of a second glimpse and then you miss it of her breast, but a long, drawn-out show of simulated masturbation is OK?

Dude, have you ever heard of the channel changer? If you’re so offended, it’s perfectly acceptable to use it. But the best (well, most ridiculous) one of all is:

It was obscene to show Prince, a HOMOSEXUAL person through a sheet, as to show his silhouette while his guitar showed a very phallic symbol coming from his below-midriff section. I am very offended and I would prefer not to have showed it to my 4 children who love football. One of them has hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn out gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV. Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY.

People, you can’t make stuff like this up. You just can’t. The mind boggles. This person actually thinks that his or her son can be turned into a raging queen just by watching a little old-fashioned rock god guitar masturbation. If that were true, those of us who passed through our teenage years in the 1970’s would be nearly all homosexuals. I have news for this person: If his or her son’s sexuality is so fluid that merely seeing Prince do something that might be considered phallic, then he was already gay before he ever saw this year’s Superbowl. I’m particularly intrigued at how this person’s son might have acquired HIV from merely watching Prince do his routine on the television. Apparently this is a new hypothesis of AIDS causation of which I had previously been unaware.

However, the absolute funniest one (albeit the most dubious, as far as whether it’s legit) is this one:

I find it highly unacceptable to have a family watching a sporting event only to find Prince stroking, manipulating and fondling his guitar behind the curtain. This image only made him look extremely large, which made the rest of us feel small and unable to perform this evening.

Way too much information, dude! But, yeah, I can see how that might be a problem. I hope you got over it. I’d hate to see your sex life demolished for life, all because the Purple One’s guitar shamed you. Of course, rock stars’ guitars have shamed lesser men for decades, but I never realized they had such power.