I really love Life Technologyâ¢. I really do. Heck, I could spend the next several weeks mining it for topics for Your Friday Dose of Woo. The stuff there’s so over-the-top that I find it hard to believe that these guys are serious. I mean, really, look at some of their products, a couple of which I’ve featured on YFDoW before; specifically the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0â¢ (a.k.a. The Ultimate in Financial Abundance Engineering Technologyâ¢) and the Tesla Purple Energy Shieldâ¢, two pieces of such amazingly tasty woo that it’s pretty hard to top them. That’s why I hadn’t been planning on going back to the well for a while.
And then I saw this:
Vir-Xâ¢ is a new and novel formulation designed and created exclusively by Life Technologyâ¢. The proprietary Neo-Homeopathicâ¢ synthesis utilises aspects of traditional homeopathy, Malcolm Rae’s Magneto Geometric methods and Scalar Neo-Radionicâ¢ Cloning. Vir-Xâ¢ is in effect is a super potentised Neo-Homeopathicâ¢ preparation which contains a potent energetic signal which stimulates the human vital force. It is the strength of the vital force that ultimately determines a man’s sexual potency. Vir-Xâ¢ stimulates the overall vital force of the organism.
Holy crap! Neo-homeopathic boner pills! Now do you see why I couldn’t resist going back to the well of Life Technology this week?
Let’s parse this brief paragraph a bit, because in reality it contains some of the densest, most concentrated woo I’ve ever seen. There’s a world of woo packed into that one little paragraph. For example, what on earth is “Neo-homeopathic” synthesis? Is it just homeopathy, but somehow newer? Or maybe it’s just Life Technology’s way of showing you that it’s on the cutting edge of woo. Indeed it is, too, because when I looked up what the heck Malcom Rae’s Magneto Geometric methods were, this is what I found:
…we believed the results justified the continuation of our researches and the combination of radiesthesic investigation and experimentation lead to the use of Magneto-Geometry, which is the energisation of geometric patterns by a facet of Magnetism. In 1966 a few experimental instruments were made and to overcome any shortcomings, experiments were undertaken to discover whether or not the effect caused by the energised pattern could be guided along a wire from the centre of the drawing to the base of a cylindrical container, into which a phial could be placed. These experiments proved entirely satisfactory, with the result that the pattern could be removed from the effects of the earth’s magnetic field. Further experiments showed that the earth’s field could be replaced by that of a small magnet and hence it was possible to contain a potency simulator in a case. This instrument – which was called the Mark 1 – was tested by a number of practitioners, before being superceded in 1970 by the Mark 11.
The principle used was :-
- ‘The unique characteristic of any substance may be expressed numerically, or geometrically as a two dimensional figure.
- The Mark II Potency Simulator, using the relevant geometrical figure, makes the equivalent of a homoeopathic potency by superimposing the characteristic of the required remedy on blank pills or distilled water.’
- The Mark II model was modified and improved and the Mark III Potency Simulator became available. Changes in design of the Mark 111 Potency Simulator were made by equipping them with more powerful circular magnets and this model has remained unchanged since then.
Great. It looks like some sort of weird fusion of homeopathy and magnet woo. Couple the “Neo-homeopathic” synthesis plus Magneto Geometric methods, plus Scalar Neo-Radionicâ¢ Cloning, and it is the most amazing cutting edge woo indeed–so cutting edge, in fact, that it threatens to rupture the very fabric of the space-time continuum every time one of its users is in the mood for love. In fact, the last bit of woo that makes up this woo trifecta is apparently so cutting edge that I can’t find a mention of it anywhere other than on the Life Technology website. Truly, the owners of this company are utter geniuses of woo. Either that, or they’re the best pranksters I’ve ever seen. I can just picture a bunch of guys in a back room in a “brainstorming session,” drinking beer and doing doobs, laughing hysterically as they try to top each other, the better to get the gullible to pay $89.95 for 200 tablets of their Neo-Homeopathic boner pills.
Either that, or they actually believe this stuff. I don’t know which possibility is scarier.
But old dudes who can’t get it up anymore as well as they’d like really want to know: Is this stuff for real? And if it is for real, what makes Vir-Xâ¢ different from all those other herbal Viagra products, pitches for which caring marketers kindly send to several of my e-mail accounts (particularly my blog e-mail address, which is widely available on the web and thus easily harvested) several times a day? You know, the ones that claim that “herbal Viagra” is better and safer than real Viagra because it’s “natural”? Don’t worry. Life Technology’s got your back (and, apparently, at least one other part–if you’re male, anyway):
What makes Vir-Xâ¢ unique from any sexual enhancement product on the market is the fact that Vir-Xâ¢ has extremely rapid absorption, has a remarkably swift onset of action ,is highly bioavailable due to its unique sublingual Neo-Homeopathicâ¢ formulation and has no side effects or interactions of any sort with other medications. Because Vir-Xâ¢ is a Neo-Homeopathicâ¢ formulation, it contains no traces of any drug substance whatsoever because its active principle is simply an energetic code to stimulate the body’s own natural energetic forces.
“Contains no traces of any drug substance whatsoever”? Who said woo-meisters can’t tell it like it is? Maybe the reason this is “Neo-homeopathy” is because of the new twist in which the reason for homeopathic “activity” is an “energetic code” that “stimulates the body’s own natural energetic forces,” whatever they are. (I wonder if it activates your DNA, too.) Of course, this total lack of any drug or active ingredient whastsoever allows Vir-Xâ¢ to work instantaneously and provides an amazing advantage:
Vir-Xâ¢ is a Neo-Homeopathicâ¢ product and is therefore entirely harmless and free from side effects or potential drug interaction problems. There is no limit to the number of doses that may be taken in any given time period.
Unlike those boring old drugs like Viagra or Cialis, which, I’m sure, don’t do anything whatsoever to your body’s own natural energetic forces, relying instead on stodgy old things like biochemistry and pharmacology to exert their magic on a guy’s nether regions, there’s no chance of side effects and you can take as much as you want and “no danger whatsoever of interaction with prescription medicines.” No wonder they don’t give the usual warning that you see in Cialis or Viagra ads telling you to seek medical attention if you get an erection that lasts more than four hours, otherwise known as “priapism,” a medical emergency.
But it’s not just old guys who might wonder about these products. Oh, no. Do you think Life Technology would neglect the ladies? Of course not. They market a version of this product for women called Fem-Xâ¢. Because women need to have their own natural energetic forces stimulated as much as horny old guys do, you know.
Or at least so I’m told.
But the most amusing part of this woo, as is so often the case with the very best woo, is the disclaimer:
Vir-Xâ¢ does not actually contain any physical drug material like Viagra, Levitra or Cialis. It contains a Neo-Homeopathicâ¢ subtle energy imprint. These statements have not been evalulated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Men with erectile difficulties should consult a licensed medical professional for diagnosis and treatment options. No medical claims are stated or implied for this product. As instructed by the FDA, we must state that this product is strictly for experimentation and research purposes only.
“Neo-Homeopathic subtle energy imprints” and boners? I wonder if I could get funding from NCCAM to carry out this sort of “research” and “experimentation.”