I’ve heard of people who have tight anal sphincters, but this is ridiculous

I had thought of featuring this little gem on Your Friday Dose of Woo before, but my Friday feature usually requires a bit more to go on. Well, not exactly. Rather, it requires a bit more quotable material, the better for hilarity to ensue, and this is just a book with a description and some comments, but it’s a nice bit of bizarre bonus silliness to start out the long holiday weekend.

The title of the book?

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyuki Nishigaki

I kid you not. Thanks, Stupidity Tracker, for turning me on to this most fascinating treatment for depression! Here’s the book description:

I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

In addition, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration.

If you don’t know concentration which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like a hell.

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I think the bad English adds just the touch to this woo to elevate it above the rest, don’t you? After all, if the key to health were nothing more than, as Nishigaki apparently believes, to have six bowel movements a day, to constrict your anus 100 times a day, and to dent your navel 100 times a day. Alas, there is no “look inside the book” feature on Amazon for this bit of woo, otherwise I might have searched around for particularly juicy (if you’ll excuse the term) comments like, apparently, this:

Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus.

Access to a few more quotes like that, and I’d have a YFDoW to rival quantum homeopathy, DNA activation, sound healing, or Dr. Emoto’s water.

I think some of the Amazon reviews tell it all:

…as a general humor book, this is probably one of the funniest and most bizarre reads you’ll encounter. I still randomly open to a page, read it, and feel better about whatever the heck was bringing me down in the first place. Get this book for comedy, not for advice.

Maybe that was the plan all all along. Or this comment:

I can’t wait until the sequel to this book comes out – “squeeze your nipples 423 times a day to relieve headaches”. Until that time, I must be content with this modern-day Godsend. Originally I have heard that this book was a cast-aside chapter of the New Testament. Apparently, some idiot thought that this wouldn’t be prudent as Bible-material. Well, it sure is prudent to me. I’ve been teaching my dog to obey this book as well. In fact, I’m working on a technique to teach dogs how to constrict their anuses at your command. So useful, really. This book is wonderful. Praise the mighty anus, master of all that is anti-depressent, helpful, brown, and a little stinky.

Indeed. Of course, I’ve commented on the apparent anal fixation of some alternative medicine practitioners before. By comparison, Nishigaki’s fixation seems harmless and probably a whole lot less stinky.