Your Friday Dose of Woo: The miracle of clean

It was a rough day yesterday. I spent a long time in the O.R. It was one of those days that I couldn’t figure out what happened. The number of operations that I had to do should have allowed me to finish operating by around 2 PM, leaving me time to do other things that needed to get done. But between delays in getting a patient back from nuclear medicine, long turnover times between cases, and a case that took me nearly two hours longer than it should have, it was well after 5 PM by the time I was done–and I still had a bunch of work to do. I’m not complaining; these things happen and there are lots of surgeons who don’t run a lab and therefore do this sort of thing every day and finish much later than I did, but I sure was beat by the time I got home. I’d need some serious reconditioning if I were ever to go back to being full-time clinical. In fact, I was so beat that I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to deliver the expected edition of Your Friday Dose of Woo. For the first time ever yet! That would not do. It’d take an all-nighter operating to keep me from producing this weekly bit of amusement. I’m actually rather amazed that I’ve been able to keep it up for a year, I’m sure I’ll be forced to miss one someday.

But not today.

Of course, it was very clear that I wouldn’t have the time or energy to devote to composing one of my famous long-winded pieces delving into all aspects of some really tasty woo, but that’s OK. I need to learn the advantages of brevity. Besides, there’s Big Woo (like quantum homeopathy or DNA activation), but Little Woo has its advantages. For one thing, it can wash the sweat off my body and rejuvenate me after a long day in the O.R.

Yes, indeed, such Little Woo is a wonderful thing, Little Woo like Miracle Soap. After all, you can’t go wrong with a product whose recipe was handed down by God Himself:

It was God who gave me the formula for the Amazing Miracle II Soap. I awoke one night in July, 1980, to see names of minerals all miraculously flashed on my bedroom wall, along with the formulas on how to mix them.

What, no burning bush? Truly God works in mysterious ways, flashing names of minerals on the bedroom wall of some random dude named Clayton Tedeton. But listen to Clayton tell more:

I had been talking to God and He was talking to me. My wife would hear me talking and would ask, “Clayton, what in the world is going on?” And I would tell her, “I don’t know, I cannot explain to you what is happening in my life.”

I talked to God and He said, “I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING THAT EVERY PERSON THAT I HAVE CREATED ON THIS EARTH WILL NEED, AND AS LONG AS YOU GIVE ME THE GLORY, YOU WILL PROSPER AND SEE MY GLORY.” One day later at 1:00 a.m., the formulation for Miracle II was miraculously flashed on my bedroom wall. The days following this I began to assemble and mix this product. The voice of God told me what to name it and how to package it.

As time passed and all this time the voice of the Lord was saying, “IT’S TIME TO GO TO WORK.” At this time, I did not know exactly what to do.

In December 1980, I talked to the Lord and said, “I have got to have instructions so that this product can be used.” A day later the Lord instructed me to take some of this product to a woman and tell her to use it for everything. I did not know the lady at this time. After three days, she called me and said, “Every time I use this product, the strangest things happen to me, I’m going to have to pray about this.”

I’ll bet they do. Maybe it’s things like mysterious lists of minerals being flashed on your wall. I’d find that strange too. I’d also find it strange if a soap could really do this:

God started sending people to me, telling me of the healing merits of both the SOAP and the NEUTRALIZER. Skin cancers being healed were the first healings I heard about from my customers. Then, other healing reports began to come in; Psoriasis, warts, poison ivy, bedsores, athletes foot, and many other skin problems. In this way, little by little, the many products uses became known, many people were saying the SPIRIT of God told them to use the product in a certain way.

Wow! How, I wonder, could a mere soap cure skin cancers, bed sores, psoriasis, and so many other skin problems? It must be Removing Toxins:

The body gets loaded down with toxins from the many foods we eat that have been sprayed with all kinds of poisons. The toxins go into the body and they cannot get out of the body because the pores of the skin are stopped up from the many oils and soaps that are made from animal fat. Miracle Soap is the only body cleanser that will clean all the sweaty, waxy residue from the pores of the face, body and scalp. When this happens, the body works the way Nature made it to work, to detoxify itself.

Ah, just what I needed last night, a soap to clean all the sweaty, waxy residue from the pores of my face, body and scalp. I wonder if it’s any good for pimples. (Yes, unbelievably to me, even being over 40, I still sometimes get pimples.) Fortunately, I don’t need it for its other claimed uses:

Customers began to tell me how they used it to kill fire ants, roaches, spiders, fleas, ticks, and many other insects. God has revealed that this product, once it becomes known, will revolutionize CLEANING and will be the answer to HEALTH PROBLEMS, and it will also be a miracle in AGRICULTURE. It will also be the means of employment for people everywhere, thousands of people are selling Miracle II nationwide at this time and giving the glory to God.

So let me get this straight. God gave Clayton the recipe for this most excellent woo-ified soap. The soap supposedly kills all manner of insects and cuts grease off of dishes, as well as a number of other what sound to me like harsh uses. Yet, this guy expects me to put it on my skin. What will it do, strip the epidermal layer off? That would certainly get rid of all the sweaty, waxy residue, but I can’t say that I’d much like it. On the other hand, get a load of these conditions claimed to be benefited by Miracle Soap II: AIDS, allergies, Alzheimer’s disease. cancer, Crohn’s disease, constipation (what do you do, drink the stuff?), eye wash (never mind the burning). Best line:

AIDS – Put 7 drops of Miracle Neutralizer in orange juice every morning and night. Rejoice in the Glory of God.

Sarcasm aside, I do believe this soap is miraculous, depending on how you define miracle. After all, look what it did for Clayton Tedeton:

As of this date (January 1, 2001), God has made it possible for me to tell about Miracle II nationwide and to people in 26 countries. The Lord has changed my professions from a rental property owner and brick distributor and has made me a BEARER OF GOOD NEWS and has given me a MASTERS DEGREE in SPIRITUAL CHEMISTRY, MEDICINE, NERVOLOGY and AGRICULTURE for the equipping of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the building up of the body of Christ.

Because it is God’s will that we live in health, have a sound mind, prosper and go about doing good.

If that’s the case, then why did God make so many bacteria and allow us to be prone to such nasty diseases as cancer? However, I do have to wonder, where do I get a degree in SPIRITUAL CHEMISTRY? Better yet, I want a degree in NERVOLOGY, that is, if anyone can define it for me. Maybe it’s just like NEUROLOGY, only nervier.

In any case, perhaps the most hilarious thing about this soap is the disclaimer:

ALL INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE, INCLUDING INFORMATION RELATING TO MEDICAL AND HEALTH CONDITIONS, PRODUCTS AND TREATMENTS, IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR THE ADVICE PROVIDED BY YOUR OWN PHYSICIAN OR OTHER MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OR ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON OR IN ANY PRODUCT PACKAGING OR LABELS. YOU SHOULD NOT USE THE INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE FOR DIAGNOSING OR TREATING A HEALTH PROBLEM OR DISEASE OR PRESCRIBING ANY MEDICATION. YOU SHOULD CAREFULLY READ ALL INFORMATION PROVIDED BY THE MANUFACTURERS OF THE PRODUCTS ON OR IN THE PRODUCT PACKAGING AND LABELS BEFORE USING ANY PRODUCT PURCHASED ON THE SITE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR OWN PHYSICIAN AND MEDICAL ADVISORS. INFORMATION AND STATEMENTS REGARDING MIRACLE SOAP PRODUCTS HAVE NOT BEEN EVALUATED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION AND ARE NOT INTENDED TO DIAGNOSE, TREAT, CURE, OR PREVENT ANY DISEASE. ANY CLAIMS CONCERNING THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE MIRACLE II PRODUCTS ARE LIMITED TO THE EXPERIENCES OF THE PERSON OR GROUP OF PERSONS MAKING SUCH CLAIM.

God’s perfect soap needs a disclaimer? In all caps, yet?

Maybe Mr. Tedeton’s faith is not nearly as strong as he says. Or maybe even God can’t help a woo-meister who’s dragged into court.