Your Friday Dose of Woo: Wands imploding, sort of

Now this is unexpected.

Normally, I find my victims/targets/subjects for my usual end-of-the-workweek bit of fun and skepticism from one of two sources. Either a reader sends a link to some woo or other that desperately deserves a little bit of Orac’s loving attention, or in my wanderings across blogosphere I find some little (or huge) bit of woo that catches my attention and holds it long enough to make the case for a spot on my weekly feature. This time around it was different. While applying a sorely needed bit of skepticism to a story that’s been going around the more credulous parts of the blogosphere, I noticed a comment about one of the two people who are supposedly at the center of said bizarre story. But even stranger was that the link in the comment led to a sight that just cries out for a heapin’ helpin’ of the Insolence (Respectful™ or Not-So-Respectful) that Orac lays down on a daily basis right here. The sight, GoldKhu.com, appears to be run by a woman named Laurie Jessop. It’s unclear whether this is the same Laurie Jessop who’s one of the subjects of the “health freedom ” horror story I’ve discussed.

Regardless of whether it’s that Laurie Jessop or not, the woo, it is good.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look. First of all, we have magic wands. Really. And the biggest, baddest wand of all, the wand with the mostest woo, is known as the Wand of Horus. What more could one want in woo? Of course, the Wands of Horus have nothing but the highest woo pedigree. Just look at who has apparently written extensively about them, namely a man named Dr. Valery Uvarov, Head of the Russian National Security Academy, Department of UFO Research, Paleosciences and Paleotechnology.

It doesn’t get much better than this, and the description of how these wands work doesn’t disappoint:

Those cylinders, with which the Pharaohs never parted throughout their lives, were harmonisers of the two basic flows of energy which the Ancient Egyptians called BA and KA, corresponding to Yin and Yang in the Oriental tradition. For the Ancient Egyptians BA and KA were the two component elements of the human entity, the two sources of vital energy. While they are interacting properly, the vital functions of the organism are maintained and the person lives without any particular problems. To regulate the energy balance in the body the Ancient Egyptians used “Wands of Horus” — cylinders with various contents.

The use of these cylinders to a considerable extent helped the Pharaoh (or other user) to perfect his nervous, energetic and (as a consequence) immune systems, to improve his health and physical condition, since the cylinders had a beneficial effect on those areas. The correct and systematic use of the cylinders enabled the Pharaoh or priestly user to prepare himself for “Intercourse with the Gods”.

If certain conditions are observed and sessions conducted on a regular daily basis, the Wands of Horus can not only correct, but also stimulate a person’s nervous, energy and immune systems, creating the preconditions for their improvement. This requires work founded on a precise understanding of what the Wands of Horus are, and the principle by which they work, a knowledge of the cycles of activeness in the human energy system and a number of elements making up a complex approach, an essential part of which is interaction with natural sources of energy, such as trees, rivers, lakes, the sea and mountains.

As I said, this is definitely top-notch woo. Not only do we have the appeal to ancient tradition. (Of course, bloodletting is also ancient tradition; as we say, just because it’s old and moldy doesn’t mean it deserves respect.) Then it’s coupled with not just one form of life energy, but two forms. (Take that, ancient China, with your mere qi! Woo wimps.) So this is apparently why Pharaohs were considered Gods; they had wands that made them almost Gods! This leaves me with only one question: Where can I get me some of these wands?

Patience.

Before I lay down my hard-earned greenery to buy one of these wands, I want to know what they are. I want to know just what they’re made of. Fortunately, the woomeisters in charge are only too happy to tell me:

The Wands of Horus take the form of two hollow cylinders made of copper and zinc for right and left hands respectively. This is important because the link between metal and hand is tightly bound up with the functions of the left and right hemispheres of the brain.

Naturally. Ancient Egyptian neuroscience tells us this.

Of course, the wand must conform to only the most precise measurements based on only the finest woo:

Any length can be chosen for the cylinder, although its should be noted that in ancient times the height of the cylinder, like the height of the Pyramid of Cheops, were not chosen at random. For example, the height of that pyramid (146 metres) is roughly equal to one-thousand-millionth of the distance from the Earth to the Sun. It was also connected with the period of the basic Sothis cycle , 1460 years, which was divided up into smaller units of 1460 days — the Egyptian year cycle. Therefore the height of Wands of Horus attuned to the pyramid and to this cycle may be 146 millimetres. But, bearing in mind that the Pyramid of Cheops has been damaged, the wands should be attuned to the whole complex. It that event, the height of the Wands of Horus will ideally be equal to 151.4 millimetres.

The diameter of the Wands is designed to be tuned to the Earth eigenfrequency. 5.4 or 54 is a key moment and has direct connection to Earth eigenfrequency (self frequency) which dictates the energy impulse to life on the Earth. The diameter is determined by dividing 151.4 : 5.407 = 28 millimetres.

I really love how they take into account damage to the Pyramid of Cheops in figuring out just what dimensions these wands should be. Even better is the way they charge them up. For wands based on the dimensions of the pyramids, there’s only one way they can be activated. Isn’t it obvious? Here you go:

To increase the effectiveness of the Wands of Horus all the components from which the cylinders are made are exposed in a pyramid with a powerful structuring field , to correct the inter-atomic distances, for a period of at least twelve days (and nights).

Of course. What else could activate this woo? Nothing.

But what can these wands do for you, other than look really cool on your desk? Lots, of course. For example:

The Wands of Horus with a nine-faceted crystal are designed to stimulate and synchronize the human energy system with the energy flows of the ninth level of the Universe’s energy system transformed by the Earth’s core.

Experiments have shown that this type of wand has a more intense (active) effect on the human energy system. On the physical plane, the self-tuning of the wands to the individual organism is considerably quicker, the activity of the cardio-vascular system is stimulated more rapidly, which manifests itself in a faster expansion of the vessels and increased intensity of heart contractions. The Wands of Horus Mono with a nine-faceted crystal have a more pronounced (powerful) effect, which is accompanied by more acute sensations. Even less sensitive people feel the influence of this type of wand more intensely.

Or:

The Wands of Horus Mono with a twelve-faceted crystal are designed to stimulate and synchronize the 12 human energy bodies with the 12 energy systems of our Solar system and Universe(God), through energy system of Earth. This follows the principle of 12; planetary bodies, 12 months, 12 year cycles, 12 hours day and night etc.

The other wands, depending upon the specific type, promise to take care of stress, insomnia and nervous tensions, for starters. They are claimed to be “very effective” in cases of arthritis, arthrosis and polyarthritis in combination with salt baths. (Perish the thought that it’s the salt baths that are actually making you feel better! It’s the wand. Really.) Other things these wands can supposedly do include activation of blood circulation and restoration of the nervous system, whatever that means, not to mention slowing the advance of Parkinson’s disease, reducing blood cholesterol levels, treating hypertension, preventing atherosclerosis, and a host of other benefits. But that’s not all. Apparently Dr. Uvarov has done experiments that tell him something fantastic. Naturally, it must be science because he’s done experiments. And what did these experiments show? Wonderful things, of course:

Experiments conducted with this type of wand indicated that, as a material of natural origin , native or meteoric iron possesses a number of amazing properties that belong to this type of the Wands of Horus alone. Besides everything that has already been said about the Wands of HorusKONT, the Wands of HorusBJA stimulate and increase a person’s psychic abilities. In other words, having a crystalline structure that formed under natural conditions, “bja” acts as an “intermediary” or resonator linking the energy system of the human being with the natural source of energy and the core of the Earth. The effect of the crystalline structure of the “bja” on the human energy system is to increase sensory sensitivity and the organism’s resistance to the negative influence of solar and magnetic storms.

Just what I need: Increased psychic powers and resistance to solar storms.

But be very, very careful. So powerful is this woo that it comes with warnings. For example:

This is a tool that should only be used by those who have undergone a period of preparation and developed their energy sufficiently through daily work with Wands of Horus Mono, Kont, Quartz or Crystal for no less than one year.

Wow. A whole year of work just to be able to use one of these things. Hey, why not? It takes four years to get through medical school plus anywhere from 3-10 years of postgraduate training depending on the specialty to become a fully board-certified physician. In comparison, a mere year just to become some sort of wandmaster is a bargain.

But there is another warning:

the Wands of Horus^Mono have a more powerful impulse-based stimulating effect on a person’s energy structure. As a consequence, if this type of the Wands of Horus is used by people with a weak energy system, it may induce a pain syndrome in a problem area. This is due to the increased excess of energy in the zone of disruption. If some energy channel has disrupted bio-energy rhythms and lacks the necessary conductivity, then the resultant excess of energy, causing a sensation of bloatedness or pressure at the site of a problem may develop into pain. It is for this reason that we do not recommend this type for people who have suffered a heart attack or stroke.

Good to know. Also good to know are these other contraindications:

• Schizophrenia and other psychological disorders
• Epilepsy
• Whilst menstruating
• Pregnancy (in the last six months)

“Whilst menstruating”? Pregnancy? Why? Here’s why:

This last is due to the fact that in the later stages of pregnancy there is another living organism in the mother’s womb that already at that stage of development has its own individuality (individual vibration). The wands attune themselves to a person, to his or her individual frequency. As the individual vibration dictated by the mother’s hypothalamus-hypophysis system differs from that of the developing child, the use of the wands in the last six months of pregnancy may have unpredictable consequences.

Well, that certainly explains it all.

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking that this all sounds great, but how much do these wonders cost? Fortunately for you, GoldKhu has your back, with wands ranging from $286 for the Kont model to $9,100 Pharaoh model. Come on, admit it. Wouldn’t you want the Pharaoh model? Of course you would. In fact, you’d do well to couple it with implosion, courtesy of the Centre for Implosion Research, including its subtle energies and memory of water. (Holy homeopathy, Batman!) And don’t forget your Biostimulator Insoles:

When we apply the insoles (electrodes) to the soles of the feet, they begin through the projections of the relevant energy centres and nerve endings on the feet to stimulate the electro-magnetic component (shell) around the human body. On the physical plane there is stimulation of those organs whose nerve endings have their projections on the feet. Besides this there is stimulation of the blood circulation in the prostate that is a projection of the first energy centre which has energy projections on the feet. As a consequence of such stimulation, there is a detectable activation of the blood circulation in the spine and correction of pathologies caused by disrupted circulation.

As top shelf as this woo is, it does lack something. Can you guess what it is? I’m sure you can. Amazingly, a Google search of the website only found two mentions of the word “quantum,” both in the same article and it isn’t really linked to the way the wands supposedly work. I suppose that can be an addition to the next iteration of the wands. Just think of how much they could charge for a Quantum Phaoraoh Wand of Horus or a Quantum Biostimulator Insole―or, even better, the Quantum Pharaoh Implosive Wand of Horus.

I want my cut of the profits for this idea.

BACKGROUND ON THE JESSOPS:

1. The story of the 17-year-old with melanoma being forced to undergo chemotherapy: Urban legend?
2. Thomas Cowles twisting in the wind defending the “cancer boy” urban legend
3. An update on the youth who “cured himself” of melanoma, Chad Jessop
4. One last update (for now) on the youth who “cured himself” of melanoma, Chad Jessop
5. “I have seen the light! The Chad Jessop melanoma story happened. Really.”
6. Lee Woodard on the Chad Jessop melanoma story: “Why would I promote a hoax?”

OTHER LINKS:

1. Dear Health Freedom Fighters (September 12, 2007)
2. The Gary Null Show 9/13/2007 (The relevant segment is at approximately the 11:45 minute mark.)
3. Mother Jailed, Put On Trial for Curing Her Son of Melanoma (October 3, 2007)
4. Mother Jailed, Put On Trial for Curing Her Son of Melanoma (published in the Los Angeles Free Press on 11/12/2007, PDF here)