Your Friday Dose of Woo: Where’s the Enzyte guy when you need him?

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As I approach the second anniversary of Your Friday Dose of Woo (now only a mere two months away), it occurs to me: What sort(s) of woo, if any, have I neglected? Is there a kind of woo that is commonplace but has somehow slipped under Orac’s radar? Hard as it may be to believe, there have now been over 100 installments of my weekly bit of vanity. Looking back over it, I see all manner of woo. Quantum homeopathy? Check? Sound healing? Of course! DNA Activation? That was definitely a fun one! Detoxification footpads? Not once, but twice! 9/11 Truther conspiracy theories? Yes, I’ve even wandered into that area as well. Religious woo? On more than a couple of occasions, even though afterward I sometimes felt guilty because it was just too easy.

Of course, woo that’s too easy is the best kind of woo. When I choose such woo for my weekly installment, this peerless prose practically writes itself.

Still, despite all the ground that I’ve covered over the last 22 months, after all the myriad manners of most outrageous woo to which I have subjected you, my readers, there is one incredibly common form of woo about which I have yet to write, one form of woo that even the most confident man can sometimes fall prey to. It’s a form of woo that has almost certainly existed since humans started to make medicines out of herbs or developing treatments to cure what ailed them. It may even have gone back further than that, back to the time when humans first discovered how to decorate their bodies, either for religious reasons or perhaps to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex–or at least able to get it on with them more effectively.

Yes, I’m talking about penis enlargement and boner woo.

I’m not sure why I’ve never done anything on this topic before. It is true that I try to keep this blog (mostly) family-friendly. I don’t always succeed, but I usually don’t get too crude. Well, most of the time, anyway. In discussing this topic, it’s virtually impossible to avoid getting pretty crude. On the other hand, I don’t think too many kids are reading, and even this installment of YFDoW probably won’t go beyond a PG or PG-13 kind of a rating; so it’s probably OK. Besides, the target–I mean topic–for this week is just too hilarious to let minor concerns about crudeness stop me.

Sadly for this particular installment of YFDoW, the owners of the company that makes Enzyte, the “natural male enhancement” pill whose ads featured Bob the Enzyte guy with his goofy smile at his supposedly “enhanced” manhood being swooned over by every female he encounters, are in dire danger of going to prison for defrauding customers, never mind that their entire pill is nothing more than one big fraud. Heck, one of the executives even admitted as much in his testimony. But fear not! We may have to say goodbye to Bob the Enzyte Guy (although I still can’t figure out why I saw apparently new Enzyte ads on late night television last weekend–how can a company that’s admitted its product is a big fraud still be in business?), fortunately, this sort of woo is never-ending. Besides, Enzyte is boring, its campy and sometimes funny commercials notwithstanding. All it is is a bunch of herbs and supplements that are somehow supposed to fix whatever it is that ails one’s manhood. This is the 21st century, and 19th century herbal “male enhancement” woo just won’t hack it anymore. We need new male enhancement woo for a new century.

Fortunately, there is just such woo. Say hello to Peloop magnetic male enhancement, thanks to a notification by Reverend BigDumbChimp.

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The makers of this wondrous device start out telling it just like it is:

Getting it up and keeping it up is one of our biggest concerns. As we age, eat less then perfect foods, smoke, drink, overwork and just deal with the stress of daily life, our bodies in general and our penises specifically begin to suffer. Did you know that as we age our penises begin to shrink in size?!

The question is how do we make sure that our penises stay healthy and strong and even grow bigger and better?

How indeed. Never mind how to keep a man’s heart, lungs, and mind healthy and strong. Those are clearly secondary considerations.

The sellers of the Peloop certainly don’t pull any punches here, do they? I can’t argue with the first sentence, anyway. Getting it up and keeping it up is indeed one of the biggest male concerns there is. But what can a man do to avoid having his penis shrivel up like the rest of his body as he gets older? What can a man do to keep his penis healthy and strong? Why, use Peloop of course! But how does this amazing bit of male enhancement work? The first thing I noticed about this devise is that it looks a lot like those plastic Livestrong bracelets, only–well–smaller. I also notice that it’s adjustable, too. I suppose that’s necessary because if a too-small ring were put around the shaft, I’m guessing it could do some damage. Making the ring adjustable solves that problem nicely and conveniently also obviates the need to have a “large,” “medium,” and “small” size, the latter of which no one would ever buy. Make that the latter two of which. Of course, they could always rename the sizes “large,” “extra large,” and “oh, my God.”

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But back to how the Peloop supposedly works. The description will amuse and astound you, I’m sure. Suffice it to say that it involves magnets, negative ions, and far infrared light rays. I kid you not. It’s a veritable trifecta of male enhancement woo. Remember last week, when I discussed three different detoxification footpads? Remember how some versions of the footpads contained Tourmaline? Guess what? Not to be outdone, so does Peloop! It’s chock-full of Tourmaline and Germanium to produce negative ions, just like the footpads. Detoxification, energization, boners, who knew negative ions were so versatile? Before we examine the three component parts of how the Peloop supposedly works, though, let’s look at the overall rationale (if you can dignify it with that name):

peloop™ is simply worn at the bottom of your penis just like you wear a ring on your finger. It’s penis enhancement and penis enlargement made simple.

These materials work by drastically improving the condition of blood inside your penis. Your penis health is as good as the blood health inside it. If you have unhealthy blood in your penis, you will have a weak unhealthy penis BUT if you have healthy blood in your penis, you will have a big, strong and healthy penis. It’s that simple.

Of course it is. But that’s not all:

The first benefit comes from the magnet. peloop™ contains a strong rare earth magnet that creates a magnetic field around the base of your penis where the blood enters.

When blood flows through this magnetic field, the blood cells spin then separate from each other giving each cell more surface area to carry much more oxygen and vital nutrients to your penis. The magnetic field also widens your penis’s blood vessels allowing more blood to flow through.

The second benefit comes from Tourmaline and Germanium which emit negative ions (also known as “Air Vitamins”) and Far Infra-Red Rays (also known as “Growth Rays”).

Negative ions work to neutralize acidic levels in the bloodstream while Far Infra-Red Rays cleanse and increase the production of cells inside your penis.

peloop™ is physically made by mixing Silicone, Germanium and Tourmaline using a high quality Mix-Refining Machine. Then a Vulcanizing Testing Machine is used to create the mold with a small hole for the magnet. The material mixture is added to the mold to create peloop™ and the magnet is then inserted.

The result is one powerful peloop™ that combines these amazing materials to give you permanent and lasting penis enhancement and enlargement.

Wow! Take that, Enzyte! Not only does Peloop promise better boners but it promises to grow your manhood too, just like the Swedish-made penis enlarger that Austin Powers was partial to:

At least the Peloop is easier to hide. I’m sure that its owners can even make up a better excuse for what it is than Austin Powers could with the Swedish-made penis enlarger, although one has to remember that this was supposedly the 1960s. I’m sure that 2008-era Swedish-made penis enlargers are much smaller and sleeker-looking now. But back to how the Peloop works. I mean, what is it that the magnetic field, negative ions, and far infrared do? It’s all about the blood:

When you have an erection, it’s just blood flowing into your penis causing it to expand. It’s very important to understand that. Without blood, your penis is just a small piece of spongy skin hanging between your legs! Blood is what mushrooms your penis into a big hard cock.

Think of a balloon. Without air, a balloon is just a wrinkled up piece of rubber, but fill it up with air and it becomes a big round fun balloon. Your penis is a lot like a balloon; without blood, it’s a wrinkled up piece of skin but fill it up with blood and it becomes a big strong cock.

Improve the blood flowing into your penis and you will have a new bigger, stronger and healthier penis.

Blood doesn’t only act as filler, it carries with it the oxygen and necessary foods your penis needs to grow and be healthy.

If the blood cells you let in were more clean, separated and organized, your penis will receive all it needs to grow healthier and stronger.

AND if you could pump more and more healthy blood into your penis, your penis will expand and mushroom even more.

Wow, who knew that all it takes is to separate and organize the red blood cells that flow into the corpus cavernosum? Certainly, I’m sure there’d be some urologists interested in this phenomenon, given the–shall we say?–profit potential involved there. Of course, the drug companies wouldn’t like it. After all, if the Peloop actually worked as claimed, it would seriously cut into sales of Viagra, Cialis, and other erectile dysfunction drugs, and all it is is a piece of yellow rubber with magnets in it. (Come to think of it, if I were selling this thing, I’d make sure to offer it in a range of manly colors.) Truly, the peloop could slay big pharma by replacing two of its most profitable drugs! Don’t believe me? Then be absolutely, positively sure to to check out the video animation on the Peloop website. In it, you’ll see clumps of red blood cells being zapped with…something. In response, the clumps break up into individual red blood cells, which then flow along much more smoothly. Truly, what did woo-meisters do before Flash? Of course, this is nothing more than the most hilarious nonsense. Magnetism, negative ions, and far infrared do nothing of the sort to red blood cells. Not that that stops Omar Long, the inventor of the Peloop, from making claims like this:

When FIR penetrates through skin to the deeper tissues, it transforms from light energy into heat energy and elevates tissue temperatures. The body then reacts by dilating all the blood vessels and capillaries regardless of size. Tissues are revitalized because of the improved (micro & macro) circulation, promoting much better blood circulation and cleansing of toxins and wastes.

In other words, it just heats the penis. Or it would just heat the penis if it actually did anything at all, which it almost certainly doesn’t, other than compressing the base of the penis. Come to think of it, how on earth does a guy keep this ridiculous thing on? As a physician, I’ve had to deal with condom catheters on patients, and they never stayed on. They were always falling off. Unless a guy cranks this up to full tightness, thus risking the blood supply to his penis, I don’t see how this thing wouldn’t keep falling off every time he went to the bathroom.

You know, as I reach the end of our little excursion into woo this week, two things occur to me. First, this woo lacks a certain something. Oh, sure, it has magnetism, far infrared light, and negative ions. That’s a good start. But, still, it lacks a something. Think about it. What does every good woo have? Vibration! Harmonics! But it’s more than that. Vibrating with the frequency of the universe just isn’t enough, either. Sure, it’d be good. It’d be real good. But it could be even better still. Imagine, if you will, if the guys at Life Technology got a hold of the Peloop. It wouldn’t be enough for it to treat your penis with magnetic, ionic, infrared vibrations. Oh, no! It would treat your penis with magnetic, ionic, infrared quantum vibrations.

Damn. Sometimes I scare myself. Just be very glad that I haven’t turned to the dark side.

The other thing that remembered is that I have dealt with boner woo before, and the guys at Life Technology did already do it before and do it better. They even made it homeopathic, although using the term homeopathic when referring to a penis would probably not be a good advertising technique.