Suzanne Somers versus Christina Applegate in a bilateral prophylactic mastectomy fantasy cage match!

i-dff030bb306ece0d96557361177b4888-somers.jpgEarlier today, I did a rather extensive post about a particularly ghoulish attempt to exploit the story of a woman with cancer, in this case Christina Applegate. It turns out that Mike Adams isn’t the only woo-meister looking to capitalize on Ms. Applegate’s misfortune, You just knew it had to happen, but Thighmaster, Bioidentical Stem Cell Huckster Suzanne Somers has gotten in on the act. Apparently she’s penned an open letter to Applegate that was published in People:

Dear Christina,

Cancer is scary, and lonely. You can’t ask anyone to make decisions for you because it’s just too heavy.

There is a lot of “rush to treatment,” when what you really need is time to research and think about how you want to approach this. Take your time Christina, there is no rush. Take your time and think it through. Use you cancer to learn and grow and as a force to work for you. You might choose to take an alternative approach.

There are more options than the ones presented to you in the oncologist’s office. You will make it. The success and drive you have had in your career will be the same strengths you will use to win over this nasty disease. And I am here if you want to talk to someone who was “there.”

Sincerely,

Suzanne Somers

Gee, you don’t think Somers is trying to muscle in on the action here to get a little spotlight, do you? Call me old-fashioned (although I’m still a good 16 or 17 years younger than Somers), but if she really wanted to offer support and advice to Christina Applegate, there is such a thing as a private letter, e-mail, or even a phone call. I’m sure Applegate’s publicist would have been happy to put Somers in touch with her client. No, this letter is nothing more than a naked grab at publicity. (Come to think of it, why, oh why, did I use the word “naked” in the context of discussing Suzanne Somers? Seeing her naked might have been something I was interested in back in the 1970s when I was a teenager and she was pretty, but those days are long, long gone given what she’s turned into.) In any case, although not as bad as Mike Adams, Suzanne Somers is about the last person you’d want to take medical advice from about breast cancer, given that she eschewed conventional chemotherapy when she had it and that she tells women they should pump themselves full of “bioidentical” estrogens, which is an absolutely awful idea for breast cancer survivors. Next, Somers’ll be shilling her new stem cell service.

Unfortunately, Ms. Applegate is–shall we say?–indisposed and thus unable to respond. She’s too busy recovering from major surgery. But wouldn’t it be cool if there were a response, preferably a snarky, catty response? Fortunately, April Winchell responded for Applegate and even went on to imagine a full exchange. Best line:

I just wish you’d have written to me sooner with some of your scientifically sound alternatives. I could have rubbed crystals on my nipples and douched with rain forest water.

Hilarious. Too bad it’s just an imagined response and not the real thing.