God reveals the true reason for the LaGuardia plane crash

Everyone agrees that it was an amazing demonstration of pilot skill, combined with the rapid response of a large number of people, that allowed all 155 passengers and crew members of a U. S. Airways flight that hit a flock of birds to do a controlled crash into the Hudson River to survive and be rescued from the icy waters. Many are calling it a miracle, even though, more than anything else, it was the skill of a seasoned pilot that salvaged life from death.

So where was God in all this? Why did he allow the flight to hit a bunch of birds, which disabled both of its engines?

Apparently God doesn’t like pigeons:

My main motivation for causing this crash was in smiting pigeons, a creature created by the devil. As you likely don’t know, the crash was caused when the plane flew into a flock of 552 pigeons. I am glad to say that all 552 were beautifully killed and transformed into snarge.

Pigeons are filthy creatures, no more than flying rats really. They are also all smelly Muslim terrorists, which is why they spend their lives pooping on good Christian children. I swear to you that I am doing everything within My Powers to wipe out these vermin. Plane crashes, viruses, and wintertime are all methods I am using.

I knew there had to be a reason.