Your Friday Dose of Woo: The best woo is breast woo

i-da70f9717cc6067f88275a47a7286576-breastenlargement.jpg

I realize that I’ve been neglecting my woo. Indeed, yesterday I noticed that it’s been a month and a half since I did a real Friday Dose of Woo. Of course, that particular installation of my long-running blog series (over two and a half years!) was some incredibly powerful woo. In fact, it was titanic, mind-bogglingly amazing woo. We’re talking Lionel Mllgrom-grade woo. Actually, we’re talking Lionel Milgrom himself, a level of sheer looniness that few, if any, can match, much less surpass. Once you’ve experienced the sheer power of his quantum homeopathic madness, it’s hard not to become a bit jaded. My woo circuits were stimulated to overload; any other woo seems, well…ordinary and even logical by comparison. It’s just that hard to compete. Milgrom’s also a hard act to follow. He is a black hole of woo beyond whose event horizon no science, reason, or mathematics can exist undistorted, and seemingly Milgrom draws all woo to himself.

Just like a black hole.

Of course, not all the best woo necessarily has to involve fancy-schmancy equations that abuse quantum mechanics to the point where Max Planck, Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, and Werner Heisenberg, among others, are busily doing back flips in their graves at the pain of seeing their science turned into imaginative and magical woo. Sometimes, the simplest-sounding woo is the best woo. No grand excursions into multiple dimensions and quantum entanglement this week, just some good old-fashioned mind over matter–and not just any mind over matter exercise, but mind over the matter that makes up one’s own body. But what mind over matter?

Personally, if I could control the matter that is my body other than in the standard, boring, visible way of having my central nervous system fire off nerve impulses that make my muscles move, I know I’d probably like to bulk up my muscles a bit and perhaps get rid of a bit of fat. Oh, wait. There already is a way of doing that for someone like me, who’s put on about 10 pounds over the last year and is a bit out of shape. It’s called diet and exercise. But that involves work! Some people will risk surgery to get rid of that fat, and some people will risk surgery to get a better-looking body. Wouldn’t it be so much better if “mind over matter” could eliminate that choice? No more having to choose between either diet and exercise or plastic surgery, on the one hand, versus remaining unsatisfied with one’s body on the other, none of which are appealing choices. I’m sure you can see the appeal of using the mind to fix the body this way. After all, haven’t woo-meisters been telling us for years that the mind can fix the body?

In any case, if you’re a woman and unsatisfied with your endowment, why go through all the difficulties and potential risks from surgery if you can simply use Adam Eason’s Hypnotic Breast Enlargement System?

First off, if you want some yucks, you really should listen to the recording of Eason’s comments about his system:

You know what? Your brain knows how to grow your breasts. It knows how to do it. It’s grown them before and it can do so again, all wonderfully naturally. It’s very likely that your breasts enlarge when you menstruate…They’re capable of doing it, and this audio program shows you how to do it once again but even more so…This is one of the most fascinating uses of hypnosis.

Certainly a lot of men would be very interested in this, not for themselves of course, but how many women would actually be interested in this. Strike that. Not every one thinks as I do. Given the popularity of breast implants (i.e., women willing to undergo significant surgery for larger breasts), I’m sure there’s a fantastic market out there for this. The bonus is that it probably doesn’t even matter if it really works or not! As for Eason himself, what a wonderful scam. Imagine the money he could make if he moved to the San Fernando Valley and made himself the personal breast augmentation hypnotist to the porn industry. He could really clean up.

In any case, here is Eason’s explanation:

You see, tightening connective tissue, firming your breasts and enlarging them is all a reality just by using your mind in the right way.

There have been many studies completed, and there are more being successfully completed that demonstrate the amazing response that the body has to hypnosis and suggestions given to your brain while in hypnosis.

I am proud to announce that the very university I went to here in England, the University of Manchester, published research results that proved that you can grow significant muscle using hypnotic visualisations alone.

Within that very research, the people that did only hypnosis exercises grew over 50% of the muscle that the real group grew — the real group did the actual exercise for the exact same amount of time.

He goes on to explain:

As you continue reading this, let me tell you about a lady that I worked with in my private consulting rooms. She had an operation to have her breasts reduced in size. Within months, her breasts naturally grew back to their former larger size. Her consciousness was that of a woman with those large breasts — that is how she unconsciously believed herself to be and her brain responded accordingly!

Breasts do not grow back to their normal size after reduction mammoplasty. They just don’t. At least the breast tissue doesn’t, except rarely in very young patients. However, it is certainly possible for a woman’s breast size to fluctuate with her menstrual cycle, whether reduced or not. Also breast size varies with weight and body fat content. I’ve often heard women joke that when they lose weight the first place the fat seems to disappear from is their breasts. Indeed, breasts contain considerable fatty tissue; the older the woman, usually the more fat in the breasts, as the breast lobules and ducts atrophy and are replaced with fat. That’s why mammograms are more sensitive in older women than in younger women. Tumors and the calcium deposits that are often associated with them show up much better in tissue that is less dense. Younger women have a lot more breast tissue, which is much denser than fat; so mammography is not as sensitive in them. But I digress. Suffice it to say that it’s nonsense to think that a woman is “meant” to have any breast size based on her personality.

So how does Eason claim that his hypnotic breast enlargement work? As amazing as it sounds, apparently Eason thinks that his audio program can show women these things:

This audio programme uses a wide range of mind enhancing techniques, cutting edge strategies and classically proven methods to ensure that you get the most wonderful, beneficial effects from your mind and body, let me tell you about some of the ways this audio programme helps you to grow your breasts naturally:

  • Firstly, this audio programme helps to stimulate your growth hormones:

    During the Hypnosis sessions, we connect with and tune into the part of your brain called the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus maintains most of the body’s systems and controls what emotional chemicals are in our system and the release of hormones too.

    We influence the hypothalamus within the hypnosis sessions to release neurotransmitters to stimulate the pituitary gland at the top of the spine, which in turn releases the growth hormones needed for breast enlargement.

    Many people actually report to me that they can sense that occurrence in their body with those particular hypnosis sessions. Many state that it is a enthralling sensation to experience!

  • Secondly, we take you on a journey through time:

    During certain periods of time in your life, your breasts grew. The memory of this growth process remains with you forever, almost like a blueprint that your brain has stored within it.

    You can stimulate the growth of those cells once again and grow your breasts to a size that is more desirable and pleasing to you.

    It is such a growing joy to also experience your future inside your mind and feel how good it is when you have achieved your goal.

  • Thirdly, the principle of imagination:

    During these receptive hypnotic states, your brain is going to create and install the outcome that you want. This imagination process is a way to directly communicate with your body, to send messages to your unconscious mind. This is illustrated well in scientific evidence I have provided for you later on this page.

This is fantastic! Imagine all the plastic surgeons we could potentially put out of business! No more nasty scars, no matter how artfully disguised by the most skillful of plastic surgeons. The first part is the best because it sounds all science-y, but with enough of a touch of woo to make it attractive to the sort of woman who might be interested in willing herself to having bigger breasts. Yes, the hypothalamus is very important for releasing hormones that regulate every aspect of bodily function. For instance, the hypothalamus controls the secretion of prolactin by the pituitary gland. However, none of this means that it’s under any sort of conscious control, or even control accessible by hypnosis. In other words, Eason’s claims are a load of bollocks. (Eason’s British; so I thought I’d use British lingo.)

Of course, Eason outdoes himself with the time travel bit. Who does he think he is, The Doctor? And do I detect a bit of homeopathic thinking there, with his whole “blueprint” and “memory” of the growth process? I think I do. One thing Eason seems to forget, though. Any stimulation of breasts to grow, if it actually worked, would necessarily involve growing new cells. In other words, it would require cells to proliferate. And anything that can induce cells to proliferate can increase the risk of cancer, in this case, breast cancer. No, I don’t for a moment believe that hypnosis can increase a woman’s risk of breast cancer. I merely point that out to demonstrate that Eason is a clueless git. (There goes the British thing again!) He has no clue what it means to grow breast tissue or how hormones and genetics. Big surprise. Well, not really.

Not that that stops Eason from claiming that it’s all science, maaaan! He cites, for example, Peter H.C. Mutke thusly:

Peter H.C. Mutke, M.D. (UCLA) performed the first study. He presented his results as a research paper to the Department of Neuropsychiatry, University of California, Los Angeles, February 28, 1971. As of 1994, Dr Mutke was still with UCLA and has been active in the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners.

Well, that’s a ringing endorsement! As for Dr. Mutke, all I could find on him was a something about “selective awareness.” More tellingly, the only article by him in PubMed that I could find dated back to 1967 and was about using hypnosis to improve reading comprehension. There was nothing about Dr. Mutke using his amazing powers to grow women’s breasts. Did Eason just make this up? You be the judge!

As for the other articles, yes, they do appear to exist. Two of them appeared in a journal called the American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, and one appeared in the Journal of Sex Research. I notice that these articles all appeared to have been published in the 1970s (truly The Me Decade, eh?). Just to check, I did a little impromptu PubMed search myself for “hypnosis” AND “breast.” There has been nothing published since 1979 about trying to use hypnosis to enlarge breasts, although there has been a lot of stuff published about using hypnosis in breast cancer patients as a “complementary” therapy to alleviate treatment side effects. Gee, I wonder why. Perhaps even hypnotists decided this was a dead end and decided to give up 30 years ago. In any case, I’d love to see the methods used for the studies Eason cites, but unfortunately I can’t get online access to journals that old and I certainly don’t plan on going into the stacks at my medical school’s library to find such old, dusty tomes–assuming my university even carries such journals going back that far. Suffice it to say, though, that my guess is that the methodology in these studies was–shall we say?–less than rigorous. Or perhaps I should say: insufficiently endowed with science.

I don’t know which disturbs me more, that this Adam Eason character is so unscrupulous that he would make such dubious claims for hypnosis in order to make money off of women with low self-esteem who seem to think they need more size or that there are so many women who would fall for this. In any case, I’ll give Mr. Eason a challenge. If he really can do what he says he can do, his methodology could be a boon to women with breast cancer who have needed a mastectomy. One thing that is not commonly understood about a mastectomy is that it does not remove 100% of the breast tissue. A thin layer of breast tissue must be left attached to the skin flaps of the mastectomy because if it isn’t the flaps will be devascularized. They’ll turn black and die for lack of blood flow. That means that, even after a mastectomy, there is still a small amount of breast tissue left, which is why breast cancer sometimes recurs in mastectomy scars or nearby. If Eason’s hypnotic woo is so powerful, don’t you think he should be able to regrow breasts in women who have undergone mastectomy. I do.

Somehow, though, I doubt he’ll take me up on that challenge.