Your Friday Dose of Woo: A bio-photon here, a bio-photon there…whatever a bio-photon is

Let’s try this again.

Two days ago, I tried to get away from blogging about antivaccinationists. I even succeeded for one day. Unfortunately, that was all, because J.B. Handley and his crew of antivaccine loons cooked up a really big, really deceptive, and really desperate gambit that just couldn’t go unremarked upon. Thus was I sucked back in again. Even worse, this all came hot on the heels of a very sad time in the lives of my wife and myself. I needed something to lift my spirits.

And nothing lifts one’s spirits quite like fine, grade-A woo.

Or perhaps I need my bio-photons analyzed with the Advanced Bio-photon Analyzer! Check it out:

The Advanced Bio-Photon Analyzer is designed to tune up your biofield through a resonant effect that harmonizes your energy and helps you to navigate smoothly through a stressful world. Think of the ABPA’s effect like tuning forks that remind your biofield of its optimal functioning state. Worldly stress causes the biofield to become more chaotic and incoherent. The ABPA reverses this process, promoting efficiency, harmony, and balance.

First off, I didn’t even know that I had anything like a “biofield.” Oh, sure, I know my body emits detectable energy. After all, under most circumstances, my body is warmer than its surroundings; so it’s always letting off heat. If it weren’t, infrared night vision cameras wouldn’t work. But “biofields”? Not so much. In any case, mundane heat energy or the weak electrical impulses that our body produces, the kinds detectable by EKG or EEG leads placed on the skin, is not what woo-meisters mean when they refer to “biofields.” The sorts of things they claim that the Advanced-Biophoton analyzer can do is what they mean. In other words, they mean the purest of pure woo:

  • The primary function of the Bio-Photon Analyzer is to provide countermeasures to stress on the body’s biofield
  • Broadcast intent, energy, healing frequencies and remedies to any Polaroid 600 photograph placed in the Photograph Well or in the Solution Well

A Polaroid 600? A Polaroid 600? A friggin’ Polaroid 600???? You know, I could never figure out why woo-meisters like this can fling around all sorts of science-y-sounding terms and go into all sorts discussions about quantum physics (OK, I know it’s bogus quantum physics, but it sure sounds impressive), but then they choose such painfully low-tech, obsolete, 1960s technology to incorporate into their woo machines.

But what else can this wondrous machine do? Lots:

  • Support the detoxifying of your body at a safe and gentle rate
  • Neutralize stressful energetic residue that may be contaminating foods
  • Antidote and neutralize the energetic effects of chemicals and toxins in household products that may be weakening your body (such as household cleaning products and personal hygiene items)
  • Neutralize harmful energies in your living area and land, including sick buildings, water and soil

Truly, is there nothing the Advanced Bio-Photon Analyzer can’t do? Apparently not. Personally, I want to know how to use it to neutralize those stressful energetic fields contaminating my foods. Maybe that’s the reason I’ve–unfortunately–put on about 10-15 pounds over the last year. After all, it couldn’t possibly be eating too much, liking beer too much, and not exercising, could it? Of course not! While I’m at it, I’ll neutralize the energetic effects of all those toxins and harmful energies. Then I’ll go on to cure cancer, end world hunger, and bring peace to the entire world.

But here’s my favorite thing it can do:

  • Reduce the effects of electromagnetic fields that may weaken your immune system
  • Customize the energetic match of a homeopathic remedy
  • Create your own isopathic restorative structure in just 40 seconds

Well, all right! Nothing like matching the energies of homeopathic remedies to persuade me that this is nothing but the finest woo.You can even use it for feng shui, although I honestly don’t know what an isopathic restorative structure is. So I Googled it. The only hits that came back were all related to this lovely device, which tells me that whoever invented it must have been a visionary. No one else has figured out isopathic restorative structures. Even better, my Google search led me to these videos on how to use this amazing device. Oh, yes, the woo it is good. Just check out this example, where Dr. Alan Back, the inventor of the Advanced Bio-photon Analyzer, explains all:

OK, I admit that this guy has all the charisma of a wet sponge with mold growing on it. I really can’t imagine what it would be like to watch all two or three hours of his videos, and I did not watch them all online. I’d probably end up all twitchy and cranky from having to listen to such woo delivered in a monotone. Maybe it’s just ol’ Alan’s way of delivering a homeopathic dose of excitement. Fortunately, though, he does do good woo. But, dammit, it’s still just so friggin’ low tech, as this video shows:

Yes, you have it right. It’s a nine-volt battery, and he’s telling you how to snap it into the device. I can only wonder where the Polaroid is. But where, you ask, did he learn all these potent healing methods?

You heard it right again. He was in the Army and claims to have worked on electronics projects for Special Forces. I always knew Special Forces soldiers are among the most bad-ass in the world, but I never knew they were so bad-ass that they can use “subtle energies” that way. Be that as it may, that’s where Back further claims to have learned all about subtle energies. (You know, energies so subtle that real scientific instruments can’t detect them; only woo instruments can.) Outstanding! That is, if you can handle his monotone. Even better, look at how simple the controls are!

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What could be simpler? You can even buy the optional (but highly recommended) imprinting plate:

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The Star of David is a nice touch. I wonder if you can progam this thing into sending some of that mad Kabbalah energy my way. But what does this imprinter plate do? Lots of things:

The Vortex Imprinter Plate is based on the exacting principals of Ancient Geometry and Sacred Geometry and the works of Nikola Tesla (The Lost Inventions of Nikola Tesla), Tons Brunes and the early Del-T antenna designs. Some new theories suggest that the triangulated geometrical shape of the Vortex generates a Merkaba (MER – Counter Rotating Fields of Light, KA – Spirit, BA – Body) field that researchers believe is at the core of every DNA code. The resulting generated field appears to interact with the human energy field, helping to transmute detrimental energy into beneficial energy. The underlying principals behind these energy theories are thoroughly covered in “A Course In Cosmic Consciousness” by Walter Russell.

No! Not Nikola Tesla again! Haven’t woo-meisters abused Nikola Tesla enough? What’s Alan Back got against poor Nikola?

At about this point, I thought I was done. I had poked around the site, found some hilariously pseudoscientific nonsense. I had written my bit; I had poked my fun. Then I found it: The owner’s manual for the Advanced Bio-Photon Analyzer. Here’s just a taste:

Inherited I.D.F. (Intrinsic Data Field): IDF’ are genetic pre-dissipation of the family gene pool. Many believe that the IDF can cause most diseases that are attacking our families in the world. There are 4 major classifications of IDF’s and they are as follows Gonorrhea IDF miasm, Syphilis IDF miasm, Psora IDF miasm and (TB) Tuberculosis IDF miasm. Many say that these are the 4 root IDF’s that will cause most of the illness and after mutating with today’s chemicals, many top doctors in the natural and chemical practices say that even heavy metals may attach to a genetic IDF chain, so now you may have a mutated IDF these mutations can cause illness and diseases which are on the rise in every part of the world and most doctors are struggling with ways to help the patients. In the natural energetic area, we are told that if you give a very high remedy frequency of an IDF antidote to a member in the family you will cancel that one frequency out of that person and also out of the remaining family members in your immediate gene pool. So, on one hand, this is a good thing to know; and on the other, you could be “opening a very large can of worms” if you’re not careful of what you are doing.

I hate to tell Alan, but neither gonorrhea, tuberculosis, nor syphilis are inherited. However, it does appear that the concept of psora comes straight from Samuel Hahnemann; so it’s all good woo.

Now I bet you’re wondering how much the ABPA II will set you back? After all, your energies are contaminated; you’re not feeling so well; you could use some energetic readjustment. Fortunately, Alan’s willing to sell the complete package, including the Vortex Imprinter Plate for the low, low, low price of $1,795! Such a bargain!

So what are you waiting for?