Let me say right up front that I’m not entirely sure that the victim–I mean target; no, I mean subject–of this week’s little excursion into the deepest darkest depths of woo is not a parody. That’s the beauty of it. I’ve never heard of it before, but a little Googling brought me evidence that it may not be a parody, that the guy purveying it may actually believe it. I’ll leave you to judge for yourself, or, if you’ve heard of this guy before, to chime in and let me know the deal. I’ll also point out that parts of this website are not entirely safe for work. Actually, a couple of the pages are not safe for work at all. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on directly linking to any those pages, but you could hit a link while exploring the site and accidentally find yourself looking at something you really don’t want to. Trust me on this.
And what woo it is!
Have any of you ever heard of Happeh Theory? You haven’t? Well, you have now! Suffice it to say that Happeh Theory has an odd obsession. More about that later. First, it starts out a lot like any other run-of-the-mill woo site, only with cheesier graphics. Specifically, Happeh Theory seems to think that we all have “energy bodies” that are in essence duplicates of our own body:
Treating the energy body of a human being as an exact duplicate of the physical body can be especially helpful in discussing the movement of the energy body from it’s proper location and orientation on the physical body.
The reason why knowing if the energy body has moved away from it’s proper location and orientation on the physical body is important, is that any movement of the energy body away from it’s proper orientation or location is usually associated with the development of some type of health problem, and because the exact way in which the energy body has moved, will provide insight into how the physical body of the individual moves.
And, of course, there is “intent”:
It is the nature of the energy of the human body, that the light reflected by the body usually corresponds to the energy level of that region of the body. A bright and well lit part of the body would usually be an area of the body that was filled with energy, or had a high energy level. A dark part of the face would usually be an area of the body that had a low energy level.
A phrase that is used to name the low energy areas of a person’s face, is the phrase “black in the face”. Calling the low energy areas of the face “black” simplifies talking about the subject.
The usage of the phrase “black in the face”, would be by describing the amount of black an individual’s face had in it.
An individual whose face was mostly well lit, would be an individual who had very little black in the face. Since black in the face corresponds to low energy, a person who had very little black in the face would be a relatively healthy person, because their face was filled with energy.
Everyday language supports that claim. A healthy or happy person can be described as “beaming”, which is a word associated with bright lighting.
He’s convinced me! If I just shine lights all over my body, then I, too, can be filled with energy all over. I wonder. Happeh Theory seems to imply that if I were to shine light on my head, that would fill it with energy, boosting its level and (hopefully) increasing my intelligence beyond its already stratospheric level to the level of Super Genius, just like Vox Day likes to tell us he is.
So far, this is the standard sort of “energy” woo that is hard to escape on the web and, sadly, increasingly hard to escape in some of the formerly greatest academic medical centers in our nation, given how many of them have embraced “energy healing” modalities like reiki and therapeutic touch. Be that as it may, there is one aspect of this woo that distinguishes it from the usual run-of-the-mill variety. Suffice it to say that Happeh Theory has a rather strange obsession. While Robert O. Young may be obsessed with pH and “acid,” Hulda Clark with liver flukes, and autism quacks with mercury, but Happeh Theory has found a new scourge, a new horrible cause of so many of the ills that plague modern humans.
According to Happeh Theory, masturbation will cause a person to become crippled and blind in one eye, as well as causing many other physical health problems. Excessive masturbation will also lead to the development of gay tendencies, as well as other alterations to the personality or mentality of a person.
The most common question that is asked in response to the claim that masturbation makes the human body blind and crippled, is “How does masturbation make the human body blind and crippled?”. Or to phrase that question more accurately “What does masturbation do to the human body, that causes it to become blind and crippled?”
Masturbation causes the human body to tighten up or become tense. That tightness or tension impairs the ability of the limbs to move properly, and impairs the ability of the eyes to see properly.
That’s right. That evil scourge of masturbation can result in shortening of the yin part of the right arm, leading to horrific things, such as faces like this.
The horror. The horror. Actually, some parts of this particular bit of woo are pretty horrible. The images may burn your eyes. Worse, there are even videos to explain to you exactly how masturbation warps your body. (Warning: There is at least one that includes a topless woman in it in a very unsexy pose, but most are of the hilariously insane scrolling text interrupted with pictures variety.) For example:
In fact, here’s a bit of the horror, in which Happeh Theory is used to explain homosexuality:
The reason that homosexuality is associated with a characteristic set of physical and mental changes in a human body, is because the human body is constructed in a specific way. If the human body is stimulated in a certain way, such as the stimulus of homosexuality, the human body must change in a specific way that is determined by how it is constructed.
A simple example of this idea would be a car with a flat tire. If the right rear tire on a car goes flat, the right rear of the car will drop to the ground, because a car is constructed to ride level on four tires. No matter what kind of car is chosen as an example, if the right rear tire goes flat, the right rear of the car will drop to the ground.
A human body would be like the car, and homosexuality would be like the flat tire. No matter which human body on the entire planet is chosen, if that human body is influenced by homosexuality, it will react by changing in a characteristic way, like the right rear of the car dropping to the ground, if the right rear tire went flat.
Wait a minute. I thought homosexuality was due to excessive masturbation, but now Happeh theory is telling me it’s like a flat tire. I’m so confused. (And clearly so is the writer of this website.) If I’m to believe him, homosexuality is associated with not just flattening of the tire, so to speak, but characteristic asymmetries of the face. But it’s more than just that. Happeh Theory can apparently account for problems due to excessive exercise, anorexia, and even evolution. But through it all Happeh Theory postulates one thing, or so it seems, namely that pretty much every problem due to the aforementioned disorders resembles the problems caused by masturbation. Really. In fact, if you believe this website, you’ll learn that this all dates back to ancient Egypt.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Did he fire five woos or six?” Well, in all the excitement, I’ve forgotten which myself. So, knowing that this is Happeh Theory, the most powerful hand woo in the world, you have to ask yourself: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”
Sorry about that. I know I’ve used that schtick before, but it’s been a while; so I hope you’ll give me a pass on that one.
Actually, I do know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this has to be some sort of huge joke. It’s got to be a parody. This guy can’t possibly be serious, can he? It’s got to be just some sort of huge, elaborate prank. I’m with you there. That was my first reaction to Happeh Theory, too. But the crazy is just so concentrated and so consistent that I began to wonder. So, as I mentioned at the beginning, I did a bit of Googling, and I found this. It turns out that even the Happeh Theory website doesn’t entirely reveal the full depths of the craziness there. Apparently Happeh used to hang out around certain discussion forums and annoy the denizens there with his certifiable, Grade A wacky woo before being banned.
I never would have guessed.
I guess guys like Happeh should be grateful for the web and the blogosphere. Once booted from a discussion forum, there’s no end to the amount of nonsense they can spew forth onto the web. I guess it keeps them out of the discussion forums.
By the way, bonus points to anyone who can figure out where I got my title for this post from.
64 replies on “Your Friday Dose of Woo: The Worldwide Wanker of Woo”
I think your satire detector needs a checkup. I found the Happeh pages entertaining
You got the title from AoA?
And the woo itself: not bad, but needs more quantum mechanics.
What is surprising is that according to Happeh, apparently, excercise does not built muscles. I’d think you’d get a stronger arm from masturbating.
According to Happeh Theory, masturbation will cause a person to become crippled and blind in one eye
Orac, could you please use a larger font for your blog? I am having trouble reading it because I have vision impairment.
Hmm, I know plenty of women with one breast slightly larger than the other (or so they tell me). That can only mean the obvious…
Given the propensity of people on the interwebs to make letter substitutions, I’m reading “Happeh” as “Happy”, making me think this is satire. Maybe the memestress in residence at Sciborg, erv, would care to weigh in?
Which eye? Oh, I’ve got it! It’s a brain crossover effect. Use your right hand, and the left eye goes, and vice versa. Now it makes sense.
Bob
No, the most common question must surely be, “If masturbation makes the human body blind and crippled, why isn’t everybody blind and crippled? Practically everybody does it, you know.”
That’s funny, I thought I was born with vision problems and spasticity. Who knew?
There’s a section devoted to Dragonball Z. I don’t know if that makes it more or less likely to be an elaborate satire.
This has got to be a pisstake. The idea that masturbation makes you go blind is so old its got whiskers. In fact, its whiskers probably have whiskers.
Man, what a tosser!
I’m afraid it is real – a look at whois.org shows that the domain is registered to Jalon Anderson. He has a book on lulu.com (self-publishing site)about Happeh theory and is writing another on kung-fu. If only it were a joke.
That explains why i can crush a car with one hand but cant get my zipper back up with the other
So how does that dude in video masturbate anyway? He doesn’t seem to have the equipment for it.
If I start using my left hand from here on in, can I reverse the effects, or at least balance out my pitiful condition?
If this is correct, by now I should look like Quasimodo.
And all these years I thought I was perfectly happeh.
I gotta save this one.
Masterbate using only one hand?
Not possible, clearly these Happeh folks aren’t properly endowed.
Mom always said it’d make me go blind. She said it until she was black in the face.
Disclaimer: I’m doing a jazz riff on the material, not to be confused with an actual diagnosis of a hooman.
Delusions involving a distorted self-representation of the body aren’t uncommon. Throw in the ol’ classic anxiety about morphing into a homo at any moment and you’ve got yer textbook case of schizophrenia.
Sadly, persistent, well elaborated delusions as above frequently don’t respond much to meds.
Which is why gay bars are packed to the rafters with half-blind cripples.
What happens when women masturbate? Does the brand of vibrator used affect the results?
I agree this goes beyond woo and into the realm of the pathological.
JMG:
Well, I’ve met lots of straight women who have exactly the opposite: one breast smaller than the other.
Another old joke gurgles, splutters and dies.
Hm, from looking at the site it appears that excessive masturbation may lead to looking like models.
Where did I put that Good Vibrations catalog…?
Total parody.
Hmm. For me the result is relaxation. Perhaps Happeh has been doing it wrong.
Happeh on “phrenology”:
“All that a person has to know, is how to change the size and shape of their head to strengthen or suppress whatever character, personality and mental traits they wish to have.”
This has to be satire.
This can’t not be satire. It really can’t.
At least they aren’t anti-vaccination woo-pushing.
Really, if I didn’t know better, I’d accuse Orac for creating the website, because we’re all out of humor for Jenny.
On the title: Orac, isn’t that what JB Handley once called you?
I think you missed April Fool’s day by a couple of days.
If this is parody, he’s pretty good at impersonating a schizophrenic person – in both form and content.
Nover mind the masturbation and the weird faces and the boobies. When is Orac going to comment on tonight’s Larry King Live autism-vaccination woo-fest?
I guess there is a term for that: big bang singularity density of stupidity.
Hey, maybe that theory explains why my eyesight in both eyes are getting really bad. ^_^
Related to old school masturbation woo: If masturbating causes you to grow hair on your hands, could autofellatio be a cure for baldness?
All of that “energy body/intent” nonsense is the central tenet of Carlos Castaneda’s pseudophilosophy. I don’t remember him ever mentioning going blind through wanking, although there were a lot of references to sex damaging the energy body. This guy sounds like he’s read “Journey to Ixtlan” and decided to either a) believe it and promote it, or b) cash in on the gullibility of those who fell for it in the first place.
The amazing thing is that this guy seems to be for real. I did a whois, and came up with jalon anderson, and he has written books that are available on amazon.ca! (One is called: Happeh Theory – A Linear Approach (Paperback)
by Jalon Anderson (Author))
Another site amazed by this is bullshido (which in itself is amazing) http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=49755
For him, it’s the World Wide Woo.
Or perhaps it’s the Woo-woo-Woo! (/Curly)
Yeah, come on, it has to be a parody. Just look at that page on the effects of masturbation! He ends it by criticising the guys’ “goofy grin” as a result of masturbation.
But the links on bullshido.com seem so… nuts.
He’s either a comedian in deep cover, or completely nuts.
But then again, I was once fooled for at least a few minutes by:
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
Which IS a parody.
I present to you:
Why do Chinese women have small titties
and
Why Chinese women have small titties Part 02
😀
So can I just do it until I need glasses?
The Landover Baptist Church site gives abundant hints that it’s a parody; I didn’t detect such hints at the Happeh Theory site, at least not as clearly. Also, the incredible low-tech, late 1990s web design points to a single individual without much web design skill. I could be wrong, but the fact that there are books self-published by this guy coupled with the sheer amount of crazy make me think this guy believes this stuff.
OMG – You just have to flip this over to PZ!
I just can’t tell: parody or nutter?
http://www.happehtheory.com/Dinosaurs/HumanBeingsEvolvedFromDinosaursMainPage.htm
Having looked at the entire site I can say, I get it.
This fella thinks he’s doing National Lampoon style, full scale humour.
But unfortunately he sucks at it.
Unlike me, to wit, “a font walks into a Texas bar. the bartender says, “we don’t serve your type in here.”
This has to be a parody. I think even the 90’s feel of the site must be a joke itself.
But self-publishing an 89-page book about his “theory”? Talk about commitment to satire… Maybe he is crazy, after all.
No, no, I think Rob Jase is right; he’s telling us to use both hands to maintain balance….now if I can just find the ease of access folder to increase the magnificaton…of …this.. wait, it’s getting….dark…
Mom always said it’d make me go blind. She said it until she was black in the face.
Posted by: Evonne | April 3, 2009 1:02 PM
Heh, heh
An attempt at satire I suspect, some of the pictures are of the leader of the UK conservative party being mocked as a wanker.
I don’t know if it’s real or not, but speaking only for me … he got it backwards. Heh.
Wow. This person has way too much time oh his . . . er, hands. His obsession with masturbation is epic. The further you dig in the site the scarier it gets. I’m in advertising and I think I know parody when I see it. This is pathology. Off-his-meds-rainbow-sprinkler-lady grade A pathology.
Happeh quack has run out of happeh.
Yay! You found my favourite – Mr Happeh!
This is a man with a great fear/fascination with men’s penises. Many of his extensive list of videos on YouTube use softcore gay porn to illustrate his “theory”. See here and here
this one “proves” that masturbation makes men gay. Why? Because masturbation tightens your anus, making it difficult to, um, use the bathroom. When it gets too tight you need…something to loosen it up again. If you catch my drift.
Oh, and he doesn’t have much to say about women masturbating – I think we can guess why.
I can’t believe this is real – did anyone else read the page on anorexia? I think by “anorexia dent” he means waist. Someone please find proof that this is a parody before I lose all faith in mankind!
Hello people. This is Happeh. The creator of Happeh Theory.
I see many of you have doubts. I agree I am not a website designer nor am I a con man who can convince anyone of anything. I am a regular guy trying to communicate with other people with different educational and cultural backgrounds.
I would be happeh to answer any questions you have about any claims by Happeh Theory. I can prove all of them. We will have to discuss what we each consider proof probably. Many people feel proof is a weblink to a study. (I don’t know why they never consider that a website can be faked, the people doing the study can be incompetent, or the study can be all lies paid for by a corporation.)
I personally consider proof to be something that a person can think about and reach a conclusion on their own. So if you are a person who cannot think for themselves, if you need to be told what to think by guys in suits with diplomas on the wall, you probably won’t feel rewarded by talking to me.
But. If you consider yourself to be intelligent, maybe even a genius, a person who can think through anything on their own and reach a conclusion, then I know I can eventually prove everything I say to you.
Sincerely
Happeh
Creator of Happeh Theory
( Just to give you doubters something to think about, you should know that my father was one of the smartest people in the entire world. That is not my claim, that is tested fact. I am just a regular smart guy, nothing special like him, but doesn’t it seem like genetically I would show flashes of genius? )
I have come to the conclusion you are a crank. I thought about it and reached that conclusion. Therefor you are a crank. Proof!
That’s… that’s not proof at all. “Something that a person can think about” is just rhetoric. Which is all you seem to have.
I was under the impression this blog was frequented by people with a scientific frame of mind. Are any of those individuals available for comment?
As for BigDumbChimp, I think his name speaks for itself. Why would anyone listen to the opinion of someone who calls himself a BigDumbChimp? I would not go to the zoo to talk to a chimpanzee about science, so why would I talk to a BigDumbChimp here about science?
Skemono? You said “Something that a person can think about is just rhetoric”? Do you have any higher education? Didn’t your professors give you something after every class to go home and think about? Was all of it just “rhetoric”, or did it help you to learn the subject the professor was teaching?
Come come men. If you are going to create a blog entry attacking my material, then post many followup comments that are of a less than complimentary nature, the least you can do is say those things to my face.
If you are firm in your belief that I am wrong, then why are you hiding from me? You should relish the chance to challenge me, to prove that I am wrong in front of all of your fellows. Then you can clap each other on the back, point at me, and laugh about how foolish I am.
By the way Orac. Interesting juxtaposition of science links, skepticism links, and holocaust denial links? Makes me think of George Shill. Er, George Will.
The title clearly states “Combating Holocaust Denial”. You should really stop it before you lose the other eye too.
Hiya! OK. I found out what this blog entry is all about.
Orac posted this blog hit entry on me because I think it is wrong that Israel uses women and children for target practice, and I say so publicly.
If any of you are real people and not part of this plot to attack scientific people who disagree with the actions of Israel, you might think about the fact that you are being manipulated like a puppet.
Orac tells you who to hate, and you post comments hating that person. You are Orac’s puppet.
You are a mindless shill being used for the political goals of Israel.
The word “Israel” shows up nowhere in the post, or in the comments. Your feelings towards Israel are completely irrelevant to the insolent smack-down that Orac handed you.
I wasn’t aware that good science and shining lights on crackpots was part of the political goals of Israel. Damn, now I kinda wanna live there.
Skemono – “I wasn’t aware that good science and shining lights on crackpots was part of the political goals of Israel.”
They aren’t. Bad science and destroying anyone criticizing Israel are their goals.
Israelis purposefully put forth bad information that they call “science”. The purpose is to keep all of the citizens of the colonies of Israel…British, American, etc, stupid and easy to control.
Most of the scientific focus of the west on genetics is a diversion. It is meant to waste time on something that is for profit generation, and not on actually helping the health of the average human being.
Anyone who puts forth health or science information that is correct or much more useful than genetics is attacked by Israel and it’s shills. They do not want anyone learning that Israel and it’s shills have been lying about scientific reality for decades.
Orac’s job is to ridicule anyone who puts forth information that the guy next door can use to improve his and his families lives, and to tout information like genetics that is useless to the average person.
——
Ask yourself a question. Let’s say genetics is as wonderful as scientists say it is. Now let’s say you get sick. Can you use genetic knowledge to cure yourself? No you can’t. You could know everything in the world there is to know about genetics, but you cannot cure your illness with it.
Now let’s say you listen to health information from me or Melanie Philips that tells you to live your life in a certain way, or to move your body in a certain way. Can you change your life to whatever way you want? Of course you can. Can you move your body however you want? Of course you can.
The information provided by me, Melanie Philips, and people like us is actually useful to any regular person. You can take our information and use it to cure yourself or a family members.
Genetics is a waste of time for the average human being on the planet earth who is ill.
If you look further down on the page about masturbation then there is a picture of David Cameron hahahaha