Your Friday Dose of Woo: The Worldwide Wanker of Woo

Let me say right up front that I’m not entirely sure that the victim–I mean target; no, I mean subject–of this week’s little excursion into the deepest darkest depths of woo is not a parody. That’s the beauty of it. I’ve never heard of it before, but a little Googling brought me evidence that it may not be a parody, that the guy purveying it may actually believe it. I’ll leave you to judge for yourself, or, if you’ve heard of this guy before, to chime in and let me know the deal. I’ll also point out that parts of this website are not entirely safe for work. Actually, a couple of the pages are not safe for work at all. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on directly linking to any those pages, but you could hit a link while exploring the site and accidentally find yourself looking at something you really don’t want to. Trust me on this.

And what woo it is!

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Have any of you ever heard of Happeh Theory? You haven’t? Well, you have now! Suffice it to say that Happeh Theory has an odd obsession. More about that later. First, it starts out a lot like any other run-of-the-mill woo site, only with cheesier graphics. Specifically, Happeh Theory seems to think that we all have “energy bodies” that are in essence duplicates of our own body:

Treating the energy body of a human being as an exact duplicate of the physical body can be especially helpful in discussing the movement of the energy body from it’s proper location and orientation on the physical body.

The reason why knowing if the energy body has moved away from it’s proper location and orientation on the physical body is important, is that any movement of the energy body away from it’s proper orientation or location is usually associated with the development of some type of health problem, and because the exact way in which the energy body has moved, will provide insight into how the physical body of the individual moves.

And, of course, there is “intent”:

It is the nature of the energy of the human body, that the light reflected by the body usually corresponds to the energy level of that region of the body. A bright and well lit part of the body would usually be an area of the body that was filled with energy, or had a high energy level. A dark part of the face would usually be an area of the body that had a low energy level.

A phrase that is used to name the low energy areas of a person’s face, is the phrase “black in the face”. Calling the low energy areas of the face “black” simplifies talking about the subject.

The usage of the phrase “black in the face”, would be by describing the amount of black an individual’s face had in it.

An individual whose face was mostly well lit, would be an individual who had very little black in the face. Since black in the face corresponds to low energy, a person who had very little black in the face would be a relatively healthy person, because their face was filled with energy.

Everyday language supports that claim. A healthy or happy person can be described as “beaming”, which is a word associated with bright lighting.

He’s convinced me! If I just shine lights all over my body, then I, too, can be filled with energy all over. I wonder. Happeh Theory seems to imply that if I were to shine light on my head, that would fill it with energy, boosting its level and (hopefully) increasing my intelligence beyond its already stratospheric level to the level of Super Genius, just like Vox Day likes to tell us he is.

So far, this is the standard sort of “energy” woo that is hard to escape on the web and, sadly, increasingly hard to escape in some of the formerly greatest academic medical centers in our nation, given how many of them have embraced “energy healing” modalities like reiki and therapeutic touch. Be that as it may, there is one aspect of this woo that distinguishes it from the usual run-of-the-mill variety. Suffice it to say that Happeh Theory has a rather strange obsession. While Robert O. Young may be obsessed with pH and “acid,” Hulda Clark with liver flukes, and autism quacks with mercury, but Happeh Theory has found a new scourge, a new horrible cause of so many of the ills that plague modern humans.

Masturbation:

According to Happeh Theory, masturbation will cause a person to become crippled and blind in one eye, as well as causing many other physical health problems. Excessive masturbation will also lead to the development of gay tendencies, as well as other alterations to the personality or mentality of a person.

The most common question that is asked in response to the claim that masturbation makes the human body blind and crippled, is “How does masturbation make the human body blind and crippled?”. Or to phrase that question more accurately “What does masturbation do to the human body, that causes it to become blind and crippled?”

Masturbation causes the human body to tighten up or become tense. That tightness or tension impairs the ability of the limbs to move properly, and impairs the ability of the eyes to see properly.

That’s right. That evil scourge of masturbation can result in shortening of the yin part of the right arm, leading to horrific things, such as faces like this.

The horror. The horror. Actually, some parts of this particular bit of woo are pretty horrible. The images may burn your eyes. Worse, there are even videos to explain to you exactly how masturbation warps your body. (Warning: There is at least one that includes a topless woman in it in a very unsexy pose, but most are of the hilariously insane scrolling text interrupted with pictures variety.) For example:

In fact, here’s a bit of the horror, in which Happeh Theory is used to explain homosexuality:

The reason that homosexuality is associated with a characteristic set of physical and mental changes in a human body, is because the human body is constructed in a specific way. If the human body is stimulated in a certain way, such as the stimulus of homosexuality, the human body must change in a specific way that is determined by how it is constructed.

A simple example of this idea would be a car with a flat tire. If the right rear tire on a car goes flat, the right rear of the car will drop to the ground, because a car is constructed to ride level on four tires. No matter what kind of car is chosen as an example, if the right rear tire goes flat, the right rear of the car will drop to the ground.

A human body would be like the car, and homosexuality would be like the flat tire. No matter which human body on the entire planet is chosen, if that human body is influenced by homosexuality, it will react by changing in a characteristic way, like the right rear of the car dropping to the ground, if the right rear tire went flat.

Wait a minute. I thought homosexuality was due to excessive masturbation, but now Happeh theory is telling me it’s like a flat tire. I’m so confused. (And clearly so is the writer of this website.) If I’m to believe him, homosexuality is associated with not just flattening of the tire, so to speak, but characteristic asymmetries of the face. But it’s more than just that. Happeh Theory can apparently account for problems due to excessive exercise, anorexia, and even evolution. But through it all Happeh Theory postulates one thing, or so it seems, namely that pretty much every problem due to the aforementioned disorders resembles the problems caused by masturbation. Really. In fact, if you believe this website, you’ll learn that this all dates back to ancient Egypt.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Did he fire five woos or six?” Well, in all the excitement, I’ve forgotten which myself. So, knowing that this is Happeh Theory, the most powerful hand woo in the world, you have to ask yourself: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”

Sorry about that. I know I’ve used that schtick before, but it’s been a while; so I hope you’ll give me a pass on that one.

Actually, I do know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this has to be some sort of huge joke. It’s got to be a parody. This guy can’t possibly be serious, can he? It’s got to be just some sort of huge, elaborate prank. I’m with you there. That was my first reaction to Happeh Theory, too. But the crazy is just so concentrated and so consistent that I began to wonder. So, as I mentioned at the beginning, I did a bit of Googling, and I found this. It turns out that even the Happeh Theory website doesn’t entirely reveal the full depths of the craziness there. Apparently Happeh used to hang out around certain discussion forums and annoy the denizens there with his certifiable, Grade A wacky woo before being banned.

I never would have guessed.

I guess guys like Happeh should be grateful for the web and the blogosphere. Once booted from a discussion forum, there’s no end to the amount of nonsense they can spew forth onto the web. I guess it keeps them out of the discussion forums.

By the way, bonus points to anyone who can figure out where I got my title for this post from.