If there’s one concept that seems to cross many “disciplines” of woo (a.k.a. “alternative medicine,” a.k.a. “complementary and alternative medicine,” a.k.a. CAM) is the concept of some sort of “life force” or “life energy.” It is true that life does depend upon the utilization of energy, specifically chemical energy. That’s what biologists and biochemists mean when they talk about life energy, but that’s not what woo-meisters mean by “life energy.” Rather, what woo-meisters mean by “life energy” can best be described as some sort of magical mystery energy field that means the difference between life and death. Whether it’s called qi, “life force,” “life energy,” or whatever, one thing that characterizes it is that (1) scientists can’t seem to detect it; and (2) “healers” claim to be able to manipulate this mystical and magical energy by a number of equally mystical and magical techniques, such as reiki, therapeutic touch, distant healing, and acupuncture, all of which claim to be able to “realign” your qi and somehow heal you. Never mind that these healers have never been able to show any evidence that they can even detect, much less manipulate for any intent, therapeutic or otherwise, this “life force.”
Unfortunately for some healers, they need a little help in life force realignment. However, where this may be a problem for the woo set who are–shall we say?–qi challenged, it does present an opportunity for the entrepreneurial-minded woo-meister. (Actually, few are the woo-meisters who aren’t entrepreneurial-minded.) Many of them are ready to leap to the rescue with all manner of devices that promise to do what woo-meisters do best: Realign your life force! And what better to do it with than the the Life Force 2000 Tri-Phase Frequency Alignment Instrument®.
What, you ask, can the Life Force 2000 Tri-Phase Frequency Alignment Instrument® do for you? Glad you asked, O ye of little woo faith:
LIFE FORCE 2000 FREQUENCY ALIGNMENT DEVICE ® Description: The LIFE FORCE 2000, FREQUENCY ALIGNMENT DEVICE ® employs a revolutionary technological approach to the re-alignment of two of the body’s most important frequencies. The Human Life Frequency and the Immune System Frequency. Once these frequencies are re-aligned to where they should be for your given age, the immune system’s ability to perform the removal of pathogens in the human body (Bacteria, Viruses, Fungi) is enhanced. We also begin to achieve an electro-chemical balance in our body, required for wholesome cell production.
Wow! I know what the Human Life Frequency is. Well, at least I know what the woo-ful say it is. I’m also aware that it’s all about the vibrations. The woo-ful love vibrations (and therefore frequencies), be they light or other varieties of electromagnetic waves or sound–or the “frequency” of the “life force,” or, as I like to call it, the woo force. But what on earth is the Immune System Frequency? I may not be an immunologist, but I’ve never heard of any “frequency” of the immune system, be it “energy” or whatever. So I read on:
These invaders of the human body are believed to be the cause of so many illnesses and afflictions. When in the body their Life Frequencies disrupt our Human Life Frequency and Immune Frequency causing both to rise considerably. The LIFE FORCE 2000 ® technology is an attempt to restore these frequencies thus allowing our body’s defense to perform at their peak abilities. In doing so, grave illnesses disappearing, scars healing completely, and general health improvements too numerous to list here have been reported.
Well, that clears it up, doesn’t it? Note how they say that bacteria, viruses, and fungi are “believed” to be the cause of “so many” diseases and afflications? Does that wording strike you as odd? It strikes me as odd? That microorganisms cause disease is not a matter of belief. They simply do. The scientific evidence is overwhelming. It makes me wonder whether these guys actually believe that microorganisms cause disease. Be that as it may, I love how these guys think they cause disease by “disrupting our Human Life Frequency and Immune Frequency.” I also find it rather interesting that they think that a higher frequency is better. Does that mean a lower frequency is more healthy? Given some of the stuff on this site, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s what they believed, including a lower frequency of brain activity.
So how does this all work? (Inquiring minds want to know!) Take a gander at this:
The Life Force 2000 works by applying very definitive bandwidths of frequencies in three specially created groups of waveforms. One band contains all the frequencies pertaining to the pathogen (bacteria, viruses, fungi) range. We omit the frequencies of enzymatic bacteria and some floras, they are needed for our digestive functions and therefore need not be disturbed.
Imagine my relief. Tell me more, O frequency woo-meister!
Much research has been done in defining these frequencies and research continues to define the frequencies of new strains of pathogens as they emerge; to date none have fallen outside of the over one million frequencies we employ in our devices.
I demand….one MILLION frequencies! Muhahahahahaha!
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. I am, however, very relieved to know that these guys have done so much research into the exact frequencies of all these pathogens. I wonder if they’ve published this information anywhere. I wonder…. Actually, now I don’t.
The wave shape and orientation instruct the cells of the body to open and release their pathogen content to the bloodstream, where they are more readily exposed to the frequencies contained in the perspective band we use to effect them. Each pathogen frequency then meets with its own frequency contained in the waveform; this sets up a strain on them, where it is impossible for each to vibrate at their own Life Frequency. They slowly self destruct.
Wait a minute. They seem to be admitting that this device destroys human cells! After all, opening a cell with holes large enough to let pathogenic viruses out is likely to kill it, unless this device is somehow intelligent enough to induce exocytosis that selectively lets only viruses and intracellular bacterial pathogens, like the one for tuberculosis, out. Of course, the problem with this whole concept is that most bacterial pathogens are extracellular, not intracellular. I suppose this device also takes care of those. But what does it do after that?
These now-dead pathogens are carried through the bloodstream to our filter organs to be processed out of the body. This is why we suggest, during the use of the technology, when you find it is time to urinate, consume some clean water before urination. What this does is to create pressure for the flush and to leave some fluid in the filter organs for the next batch of die-off to be suspended. This allows the filter organs to function with less strain. Please consume adequate clean filtered water or fluids!
Yeah, right. That’ll take care of it. Actually, you’d be better off drinking lots of fluid because the incipient sepsis that’ll happen if you rely on this device to take care of any sort of serious infection will cause your blood pressure to drop. Of course, soon drinking won’t be enough and you’ll have to be put in an ICU on IV drips and pressors, but that just means the device is working, doesn’t it?
It gets even better, though:
The other two groups or bands of frequencies are used to realign the Human Life Frequency and the Immune System Frequency to where they should be for your given age. All Life Force 2000 models 2003 and later more readily address Nano-Bacteria, the bacteria that is responsible for deposits of plaque in our heart, veins and arteries. Be cautious of imitations of this technology; the application of an improper wave shape can cause damage to the cell structure of our bodies and promote the growth of harmful organisms. The application of a negative going waveform to the body has been shown to cause cell damage.
The application of frequencies within the human frequency bandwidth has been shown to cause ATP molecule damage. The pathogen frequency range is well below that of the human frequency bandwidth. Application of a device that is not protected from harmonic generation will reach up into the human frequency range causing damage to our cell structure.
Wait a minute. I thought woo devices like this had no side effects and caused no damage. What’s wrong with these people? In constructing their fantasy device, they’re making it sound like…real medicine! I mean, they’re claiming that, when used improperly, it can actually cause harm. Why, they ought to have their woo licenses revoked for that alone! Of course, the harm that can be caused is, unless the voltage generated by that little machine is higher than it looks, a complete fantasy. Maybe the “inventors” thought o fit to make it sound like a real treatment, with a risk-benefit ratio.
Except that the benefits are as illusory as the risks.
What’s not illusory, however, is how much this device will set you back. How much would you pay for such an a device? Come on, guess! Give up?
But far be it from Life Force, Inc. to rip you off. They occasionally run promotions where, if you buy one Life Force 2000 and get the second one free.
Such a bargain!
ADDENDUM: It would appear that the Life Force 2000 is almost certainly a joke, based on this FQA. Assuming that’s true, all I can say to the person(s) who came up with this: “Well played, sir or madame. Well, played.”
The problem is that I’ve seen so many devices that look very much like this and make exactly the same sorts of claims (for instance, this or Hulda Clark’s Zapper) that the presentation sounded very convincing. Perhaps my skeptical antennae should have been alerted by the lack of the use of the word “quantum” in describing the Life Force 2000. Oh, well…
44 replies on “Your Friday Dose of Woo: Realigning your frequency, triphase style”
Ok – so do those electrodes get alligator-clipped to your testicles, or what?
What a crappy website. “Welcome to the latest in technology…” For what year? 1992?
The alligator clips are sold separately, of course. They’re at the bottom of the “Products” page!
You can also buy the Heavy Duty Wrist-Bands and Connecting Wires. But watch out: “. . . you MUST wrap your skin with cloth (sweat band) or several layers of damp paper towel to avoid irritating or burning your skin”. Seems safe enough to me.
42Hz, isn’t it?
Interesting ideas. They’re only slightly less credible than the ideas in the movie Lifeforce, which I really should watch again for nostalgia’s sake. It even has Patrick Stewart in it, and if he ain’t enough, suppose you could settle for 20-year old Matilda May.
I’m in the wrong side of this business. With a little science, medical and electronics background, I could market a similar type of nonsense. I could be rich. Filthy rich.
If I just didn’t have conscience.
I find hard to imagine someone actually spending $1250 for these devices when they could just buy some vitamin pills for far less, or even see a real life, woo-free doctor.
I unfortunately find it very easy to believe that somebody would think, “WOW! It costs $1250, it must really be great!”
A million frequencies? Harrumph. Name one.
Orac, did you click on the link on the right side of the Life Force website, the one that says Quantum Balancing? I don’t think you have enough Fridays in your lifetime to cover all those woo-ey inventions.
My favorite? The Water Vortex, which includes a hilarious picture of a ‘hurricane in a pop bottle’ experiment.
I’m sorry, but I just noticed ‘Rods of Ra’ on the same page. You hold the rods in your hands to ‘rebalance’ the energy. And “if you wish to polish them, we recommend rubbing them with Scotch-Brite pads”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Good grief. For $1295 can’t they throw in the shipping. Give me free shipping and I’ll think about it.
My favorite one is the Stirwand, a rod for stirring your water to maximize your “hydration potential.” The even have a “clinical trial” linked on that web site.
Plastic project box: 5.99
Blue LED: 1.99
Red LED: 1.99
Pushbutton switch: 2.69
2 Banana jacks: 2.19
Selling a jumble of shit from Radio Shack to idiots for $1295: Priceless
at least they could have used a purpose machined stainless steel or gold plated brass box, cheapskates…
“A million frequencies? Harrumph. Name one.”
1Hz, 2Hz, 3Hz….1Mhz, see, a million frequencies.
Love the screenshot from LifeForce. She was my dream hottie when I was in high school…
Okay, it’s clear to us here at the American Institute for the Destruction of Tooth Fairy Science that we will have to fund a sister institute: The American Institute for the Disruption of Star Trek⢠Science. Triphasic realignment anyone?
Rods of Ra sounds like something Astro would say. “Ruh roh, Rorge, rods of ra!”
Years ago my partner kept a glass case in our waiting room full of old Quack devices. My favorite was the lovely rake shaped neon light that fit into a handle that buzzed in a very scientific manner as the device was drawn over the patient’s skin to remove all manner of bad humors. It was from the turn of the century and was much more impressive looking than the Lifeforce 2000,I must say. Alas there was a time when the production values of such things were of a much higher standard.
I’m thinking that a square-wave generator with no filtering would generate enough harmonics (and general noise) that it could be said to produce “…over one million frequencies…”
You could even set up three of them – each with a different fundamental frequency – and claim to have “three different bands” (they seem unsure whether they are talking about “bands” or “bandwidths” – they probably don’t know the difference).
There – I stepped over to my electronics bench and whipped one up. It took me fifteen minutes and the parts would cost less than a dollar. Add in the “snazzy” case, a couple of LED’s and a switch and the total cost would be about ten dollars – less if you bought everything in bulk.
That’s quite a profit margin!
Prometheus
@ Mandos My favorite one is the Stirwand, a rod for stirring your water to maximize your “hydration potential.”
From the site: This is a result of the water accepting the imprint of the High Matrix minerals within the Stirwands.
That’s not going to work. Water only remembers things like that if it’s shaken. Duh. XD
The application of a negative going waveform to the body has been shown to cause cell damage.
Can anyone show me ANY waveform that doesn’t reach a peak and reverse it’s course?
If it weren’t for the $$$$ pricetag, I’d like to test this to make sure is actually emits what it says it does, and complain about fraud if it doesn’t.
holy Bat-crazy consumers Batman.
reading the testimonials makes me shiver. There is a testimonial from a KYLIE who says she cured her 3 YEAR OLD child’s eczema with this thing.
then a guy that healed his AIDS/HIV infection AND his ulcerated infected leg overnight with it.
Obviously, we are being kept from knowing about this by the evil Big Pharma and the FDA-Cancer global conspiracy. Those evil bastards, preventing innocent citizens of the western world from the obvious limitless benefits of a small ersatz TENS unit… or FM signal generator…. or doorbell actuator.
On the other hand, with the obvious exception of the use on small children, if this device effects fertility, it might actually lessen the progeny of those in the gene pool that are stupid enough to both believe this AND shell out the $1200. It scares me that some of the folks that BUY this crap are also driving around unsupervised, and or handling/preparing my food or repairing my car.
Dont tell me I am the only one that wishes he could order one JUST to pry it open and see what silly Radio Shack / Best Buy/ KMarty components are tucked into this thing.
Anything with amplitude 0 will do it. Which fits right into…
Personally I wonder whether there are ANY components in there.
it gets better…
I followed a link from the LIFEFARCE 2000..
and it leads to THIS fabulous sister site.
http://www.quantumbalancing.com/gb4000.htm
if you scroll down a ways… you find the Holy Grail…
an official GUIDE : THE UNIVERSAL FREQUENCY GUIDE kit…
must be ordered separately and directly by the sucker… I mean consumer..
now THAT is so cool… we were all wondering what the million frequencies were… I bet they have cool names for different bandwidths too.
Sorry, it has to be said: “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?”
Where do these people get off?
Scott,
If it weren’t for the $1250 price tag, I’d order one just to rip it open and see what’s inside. At the least, it must have a switch, two LED’s and a battery connector (I doubt they give you the battery). Probably also a resistor to limit current through the LED’s.
I suspect that it’s got a 555-based square(ish)-wave generator in it, just so they don’t get hammered for “false advertising” (“See, it does generate millions of frequencies, even if most of them are 180 dB or more below the fundamental.”). Also, having an IC or two makes it look “sciency” in case some victim accidentally opens the case.
Prometheus
Wait. Does that make James Bond a homeopath?
“Shaken, not stirred.”
Marcus Ranum:
Love the screenshot from LifeForce. She was my dream hottie when I was in high school…
Ah, yeah. Mathilda May. She’s a somethin’, and was largely devoid of a shred of clothing in that film….
(Enough of that. Now on to less carnal things…)
Orac:
Wait a minute. I thought woo devices like this had no side effects and caused no damage. What’s wrong with these people? In constructing their fantasy device, they’re making it sound like…real medicine! I mean, they’re claiming that, when used improperly, it can actually cause harm. Why, they ought to have their woo licenses revoked for that alone!
Nah. IMHO, the reason they’re including the warning is to convince people that they’re as respectable as large pharmaceutical firms; after all, if they have to include disclaimers about potential side effects of their medications, why shouldn’t the Woo crowd?
That, or they think it actually works.
One of those possibilities marks them as hucksters, and the other marks them as nuts.
Of course, the harm that can be caused is, unless the voltage generated by that little machine is higher than it looks, a complete fantasy. Maybe the “inventors” thought o fit to make it sound like a real treatment, with a risk-benefit ratio.
Aw, c’mon. That’s ONE MILLION FREQUENCIES for the low, low price of $1250? And for that low, low, voltage! How can you not take whatever extended warranty they’re offering in addition to that?
These guys could be working out of Nigeria, of course.
@Tsu Dho Nimh:
i saw that too. how do their freqs oscillate only in a positive direction?
i think what they really have discovered is a macroscopic acualization of quantum tunneling: your money tunnels out of your wallet and into their bank account.
Or, as seems likeliest to me, the warning is there to convince you it would be dangerous to buy their competitor’s $700 product that claims to work the same way.
1) These people seem to be speaking English, but when I try to put their words together into logical thoughts it sounds like a Chomsky quote. Don’t the words “frequency” and “energy” have actual meaning? Shouldn’t a person’s “immune system frequency” and “life frequency” be measureable quantities? Do they actually have data that says that these quantities exist and have health effects? Or should I not be asking these questions?
2) I guess they figured if you can sell a $147/3 mo “diet pill” with “Why is it so expensive? Because it’s worth it.”, you can sell a $1300 gadget with that idea as well.
3) It looks like the box my parents gave me to repel ants. Where’s the LED?
I’m not sure what irritates me more- the woo-raddled abuse of technical language-
or the fact that after nigh on thirty years of earning a living as an electronics tech I haven’t the creativity to build flashy doodlebugs and use them to perform moneyectomies on morons.
Rods of Ra? Maybe someone should get in touch with SG1 in case this is all a Goa’uld plot of some sort.
An unethical person could make a boatload by buying modular synthesizer components and relabling them with woo terminology and selling them at a huge markup. For example Doepfer has all sorts of cool goodies with lots of jacks and flashing lights.
http://www.doepfer.de/home_e.htm
This is such as waste of money, considering you can get a Hulda Clark-style Zapper _and_ Super Zappicator combo for a fraction of the price of the Life Force 2000.
“Includes the Professional Auto-Zap Zapper and the Super Zappicator (which replaces the Food and Tooth Zappicators). Save $20 when you buy the Zapper with Super Zappicator accessory. Five year full warranty. A lifetime wellness system for you, your family & your pets.
One Super Zappicator with Auto-Zap zapper for $265 (save $20)
Add FedEx overnight shipping for $82 (to US or Canada)”
http://www.bestzapper.com
Such a bargain!
Also, these folks are sponsoring a photo contest where you enter a digital photo of your most remarkable zapping experience. I’m tempted to send in this one:
http://www.horrorgrinder.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/clowphoto2large.gif
Ain’t no parasites on (in) me.
“Wholesome cell production” = band name.
“Enzymatic bacteria”? WTF? (though it would also make a good band name).
Hap: My favorite illustration of the phenomenon you describe is to tell people that when I was a senior in high school, I batted 50 touchdowns in a basketball game. That would actually sound impressive to someone who’s completely sports-illiterate. James Laidler came up with “my car gets 30 strawberries to the gallon” and also cited the old goodie “the square root of orange is turquoise.” He described this kind of language as a “a sort of jargon or pidgin.”
So if I get one of these and run my TV anntenna wire into it, will I get a better digital picture? And if I tune in Ernest Angely and place the afflicted part of my anatomy against the TV screen, will my hemorrhoids be cured?
Does it strike anyone as odd that the only relatively recent testimonial is from 2003; the rest are from about 1997-1999? Does that mean they have been unable to get someone to fall for their nonsense in over 10 years? Or are the suckers too embarrassed to admit that they’ve been had?
I made up a little box about that size ooh – about 20 years ago now. I had to make a few of my own parts, but basically it ran off around 6V and generated about 2,000V at 100KHz. My intention was to wear a special ring (with a wire running back to the box) and I could just get my hand near objects like fluoro lights or neon-filled globes and they would glow. It didn’t work out so well; I had problems with the insulation and those radio frequency burns were pretty painful (not to mention the awful smell of burnt flesh). Including my small sealed lead-acid battery, all the bits and pieces came in under $50. I’d bet $1,295 plus S/H that my ancient toy was far more complex than this thing.
I wonder if it’s UL approved?
Only $0.001295 per frequency! Such a deal…
Remember, always read the faq:
http://www.quantumbalancing.com/fqa.htm
Realigning your body’s natural frequencies won’t help unless you first remove the toxins! Your need our latest new and improved quantum health aid, The Toxin Transporter⢠(patents pending). One you remove the frequency-destroying toxins with our new and improved quantum The Toxin Transporterâ¢, a simple readjustment of your frequencies prevents you from getting sick ever again. You’ll not only look healthier, but younger as well! (Sadly, it does not reverse baldness. But your penis will grow and become stronger and longer. Ladies’ breasts will become firmer.)
The Toxin Transporter⢠works like the transporter on Star Trek and beams away the toxins in your body, leaving you healthier and more natural. The toxins are carefully singled out by The Toxin Transporterâ¢, removed with great precision from your body, and discarded safely in deep outer space (where they cannot survive and decay into dark matter, which is harmless). The natural parts of your bodyâthe real youâare untouched and unharmed by The Toxin Transporterâ¢.
This latest development in quantum physics was inspired by attempts to turn the fictional transporter of Star Trek into reality. Teams of highly skilled scientists at CERN, Fermi Labs, and The Institute of Advanced Quantum Engineering, have been working for years to beam people across the room. Sadly, so far all they managed to do is beam is half a bent paperclip and (in a very famous mistake) a dead cockroach.
Our doctors and engineers realized the successful transporting of the cockroach (who was dead before it was transported) was the secret to removing the pests, the toxins, from your body. An intensive research effort developed the The Toxin Transporterâ¢. The secret is in understanding the body’s quantum wave functions, its natural frequencies.
When you are in perfect health, your body’s enjoys the beautiful glow of its natural frequencies. (This is why healthy people look so good with slim attractive tanned bodies: It’s the natural glow of their natural quantum wave frequencies.) But toxins emit the wrong frequencies. Your body fights to repel this dangerous bombardment of unhealthiness. The Toxin Transporter⢠selectively targets all emitters of wrong frequenciesâall toxinsâand beams them away like a dead cockroach. Your body is no longer bombarded by the wrong vibrations.
However, after treatment with The Toxin Transporterâ¢, your body, despite no longer being threatened by the toxins, is no longer quite in tune with its proper natural healthy frequencies. Hence, after treatment with The Toxin Transporter⢠we recommend retuning your body to its natural healthy vibrations. There are quality products available to help you do this. (Tip: Avoid the cheap models with yellow lights.)
The Toxin Transporter⢠is yours for only $3812.49, plus $12.99 shipping and handling. Batteries not included (requires two AAA cells).
Read about the price increase, it’s a riot:
“We have no choice but to increase our price due to the increase of parts and fuel cost to operate our business.”
This translates to:
“The dumpster behind Radio Shack is now empty so we have to start paying for the parts, and we are tired of paying gas money to drive over there.”
HAH! This whole site is a JOKE! Click on the FQA! (a parody of FAQ)
Q: The idea of healing with energy, frequency, vibration, sound and color all sound fascinating, but do you believe they really work?
A: No.
Q: Well, if you don’t believe they work why do you spend time researching and studying them?
A: Because they seem to work whether you believe it or not.
Q: What is the best way for me to heal myself?
A: Become a FUNdamentalist, invoke your farce-field and open your clown chakra. Remember, God loves you, she’s just not ready to make a commitment yet. The answers are already within us. The tricky part is matching them with the corresponding questions.
Q: When is a good time to start on improving my health?
A: Now is generally considered to be the best time since it is too late to do it sooner.
You guys must be even DUMBER than the people posting that stuff…and let me tell you why, it’s naysayers like you (not only the freak woomeisters as you call them) that have allowed Rife Technology (invented/discovered 80yrs ago) with 1000 WorldWide websites and enormus amounts of empirical proof in the tens of thousands of people saved from diseases like cancer to not become part of mainstream medical usage. Facts are you can use frequency devices to kill pathogens, and currently hospitals use bone stimulus growth devices to help people, are we both wrong??? Or are you too slow to look up the evidence…
Yeah those peeps that sell those machine are really mostly interested in making money as far as I can tell…so really I don’t see any real difference between them and you…to me this is just the saddest situation, because MANY children and others continue to die off disease which we’ve had a definite answer to for some eighty years now…but you peeps can’t seem to pull your head out of the darkness…if you would just all stop being so bloody greedy, I’m sure the ignorance would stop, and instead of picking on the woomeisters (cause you and me are just as evil) you could actually maybe POOL your talents and come up with some proper solutions to the GARBAGE WE HAVE ALL CREATED through the vast amounts of stupidity we have indulged in as a race…
Now for the good part…I BELIEVE STRONGLY THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!
Sincerely your pal
Alex