Your Friday Dose of Woo: Realigning your frequency, triphase style

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If there’s one concept that seems to cross many “disciplines” of woo (a.k.a. “alternative medicine,” a.k.a. “complementary and alternative medicine,” a.k.a. CAM) is the concept of some sort of “life force” or “life energy.” It is true that life does depend upon the utilization of energy, specifically chemical energy. That’s what biologists and biochemists mean when they talk about life energy, but that’s not what woo-meisters mean by “life energy.” Rather, what woo-meisters mean by “life energy” can best be described as some sort of magical mystery energy field that means the difference between life and death. Whether it’s called qi, “life force,” “life energy,” or whatever, one thing that characterizes it is that (1) scientists can’t seem to detect it; and (2) “healers” claim to be able to manipulate this mystical and magical energy by a number of equally mystical and magical techniques, such as reiki, therapeutic touch, distant healing, and acupuncture, all of which claim to be able to “realign” your qi and somehow heal you. Never mind that these healers have never been able to show any evidence that they can even detect, much less manipulate for any intent, therapeutic or otherwise, this “life force.”

Unfortunately for some healers, they need a little help in life force realignment. However, where this may be a problem for the woo set who are–shall we say?–qi challenged, it does present an opportunity for the entrepreneurial-minded woo-meister. (Actually, few are the woo-meisters who aren’t entrepreneurial-minded.) Many of them are ready to leap to the rescue with all manner of devices that promise to do what woo-meisters do best: Realign your life force! And what better to do it with than the the Life Force 2000 Tri-Phase Frequency Alignment Instrument®.

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What, you ask, can the Life Force 2000 Tri-Phase Frequency Alignment Instrument® do for you? Glad you asked, O ye of little woo faith:

LIFE FORCE 2000 FREQUENCY ALIGNMENT DEVICE ® Description: The LIFE FORCE 2000, FREQUENCY ALIGNMENT DEVICE ® employs a revolutionary technological approach to the re-alignment of two of the body’s most important frequencies. The Human Life Frequency and the Immune System Frequency. Once these frequencies are re-aligned to where they should be for your given age, the immune system’s ability to perform the removal of pathogens in the human body (Bacteria, Viruses, Fungi) is enhanced. We also begin to achieve an electro-chemical balance in our body, required for wholesome cell production.

Wow! I know what the Human Life Frequency is. Well, at least I know what the woo-ful say it is. I’m also aware that it’s all about the vibrations. The woo-ful love vibrations (and therefore frequencies), be they light or other varieties of electromagnetic waves or sound–or the “frequency” of the “life force,” or, as I like to call it, the woo force. But what on earth is the Immune System Frequency? I may not be an immunologist, but I’ve never heard of any “frequency” of the immune system, be it “energy” or whatever. So I read on:

These invaders of the human body are believed to be the cause of so many illnesses and afflictions. When in the body their Life Frequencies disrupt our Human Life Frequency and Immune Frequency causing both to rise considerably. The LIFE FORCE 2000 ® technology is an attempt to restore these frequencies thus allowing our body’s defense to perform at their peak abilities. In doing so, grave illnesses disappearing, scars healing completely, and general health improvements too numerous to list here have been reported.

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Well, that clears it up, doesn’t it? Note how they say that bacteria, viruses, and fungi are “believed” to be the cause of “so many” diseases and afflications? Does that wording strike you as odd? It strikes me as odd? That microorganisms cause disease is not a matter of belief. They simply do. The scientific evidence is overwhelming. It makes me wonder whether these guys actually believe that microorganisms cause disease. Be that as it may, I love how these guys think they cause disease by “disrupting our Human Life Frequency and Immune Frequency.” I also find it rather interesting that they think that a higher frequency is better. Does that mean a lower frequency is more healthy? Given some of the stuff on this site, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s what they believed, including a lower frequency of brain activity.

So how does this all work? (Inquiring minds want to know!) Take a gander at this:

The Life Force 2000 works by applying very definitive bandwidths of frequencies in three specially created groups of waveforms. One band contains all the frequencies pertaining to the pathogen (bacteria, viruses, fungi) range. We omit the frequencies of enzymatic bacteria and some floras, they are needed for our digestive functions and therefore need not be disturbed.

Imagine my relief. Tell me more, O frequency woo-meister!

Much research has been done in defining these frequencies and research continues to define the frequencies of new strains of pathogens as they emerge; to date none have fallen outside of the over one million frequencies we employ in our devices.

I demand….one MILLION frequencies! Muhahahahahaha!

Sorry. Couldn’t resist. I am, however, very relieved to know that these guys have done so much research into the exact frequencies of all these pathogens. I wonder if they’ve published this information anywhere. I wonder…. Actually, now I don’t.

The wave shape and orientation instruct the cells of the body to open and release their pathogen content to the bloodstream, where they are more readily exposed to the frequencies contained in the perspective band we use to effect them. Each pathogen frequency then meets with its own frequency contained in the waveform; this sets up a strain on them, where it is impossible for each to vibrate at their own Life Frequency. They slowly self destruct.

Wait a minute. They seem to be admitting that this device destroys human cells! After all, opening a cell with holes large enough to let pathogenic viruses out is likely to kill it, unless this device is somehow intelligent enough to induce exocytosis that selectively lets only viruses and intracellular bacterial pathogens, like the one for tuberculosis, out. Of course, the problem with this whole concept is that most bacterial pathogens are extracellular, not intracellular. I suppose this device also takes care of those. But what does it do after that?

These now-dead pathogens are carried through the bloodstream to our filter organs to be processed out of the body. This is why we suggest, during the use of the technology, when you find it is time to urinate, consume some clean water before urination. What this does is to create pressure for the flush and to leave some fluid in the filter organs for the next batch of die-off to be suspended. This allows the filter organs to function with less strain. Please consume adequate clean filtered water or fluids!

Yeah, right. That’ll take care of it. Actually, you’d be better off drinking lots of fluid because the incipient sepsis that’ll happen if you rely on this device to take care of any sort of serious infection will cause your blood pressure to drop. Of course, soon drinking won’t be enough and you’ll have to be put in an ICU on IV drips and pressors, but that just means the device is working, doesn’t it?

It gets even better, though:

The other two groups or bands of frequencies are used to realign the Human Life Frequency and the Immune System Frequency to where they should be for your given age. All Life Force 2000 models 2003 and later more readily address Nano-Bacteria, the bacteria that is responsible for deposits of plaque in our heart, veins and arteries. Be cautious of imitations of this technology; the application of an improper wave shape can cause damage to the cell structure of our bodies and promote the growth of harmful organisms. The application of a negative going waveform to the body has been shown to cause cell damage.

The application of frequencies within the human frequency bandwidth has been shown to cause ATP molecule damage. The pathogen frequency range is well below that of the human frequency bandwidth. Application of a device that is not protected from harmonic generation will reach up into the human frequency range causing damage to our cell structure.

Wait a minute. I thought woo devices like this had no side effects and caused no damage. What’s wrong with these people? In constructing their fantasy device, they’re making it sound like…real medicine! I mean, they’re claiming that, when used improperly, it can actually cause harm. Why, they ought to have their woo licenses revoked for that alone! Of course, the harm that can be caused is, unless the voltage generated by that little machine is higher than it looks, a complete fantasy. Maybe the “inventors” thought o fit to make it sound like a real treatment, with a risk-benefit ratio.

Except that the benefits are as illusory as the risks.

What’s not illusory, however, is how much this device will set you back. How much would you pay for such an a device? Come on, guess! Give up?

$1,295 plus $10 S&H.

But far be it from Life Force, Inc. to rip you off. They occasionally run promotions where, if you buy one Life Force 2000 and get the second one free.

Such a bargain!

ADDENDUM: It would appear that the Life Force 2000 is almost certainly a joke, based on this FQA. Assuming that’s true, all I can say to the person(s) who came up with this: “Well played, sir or madame. Well, played.”

The problem is that I’ve seen so many devices that look very much like this and make exactly the same sorts of claims (for instance, this or Hulda Clark’s Zapper) that the presentation sounded very convincing. Perhaps my skeptical antennae should have been alerted by the lack of the use of the word “quantum” in describing the Life Force 2000. Oh, well…