Your Friday Dose of Woo: There’s no woo like laser woo

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Things have been getting a bit serious around here. Of course, there’s been a lot to get serious about, what with Suzanne Somers promoting cancer quackery, Generation Rescue exploiting a young woman with problems in order to promote its anti-vaccine agenda (leading to my “friend” J.B. Handley launching yet another hilariously off-base love letter to me), and my ruminations on the disappointment of cancer screening, things have gotten heavy to the point where they may be a bit of a downer. Add to that the fact that over the last week we’ve had one of the most persistent and annoying infestations of anti-vaccine trolls that we’ve had in a long time, topped off by an infestation of Holocaust deniers, things have become a bit of downer here.

That’s why I need some woo, and I need it fast. In fact, I need Your Friday Dose of Woo-grade woo to lighten things up. And what better to lighten things up, both literally and figuratively, than lasers?

Yeah, baby! I’m talkin’ laser woo, and you all know that every woo is better with lasers! What better laser woo to take on than QLaser Healing Light Low Level Lasers?

None that I’ve seen recently.

Now, if you want to make your woo to seem credible, what’s the best thing to do? Well, one favored strategy is to try to make it seem as though a great scientist is responsible for having originated it. The scientist should be a famous one from history, so that the marks–I mean customers–will recognize who it is, and the scientist should have discovered something that has some tangential but mostly meaningless relationship with the product you want to sell, and voilà! Instant credibility! At least to the marks–sorry again, I mean customers–to whom you want to hawk your product! Most important of all, the scientist must be deader than a doornail, so that he or she can’t possibly ever complain about the abuse to which his or her good name is being put. After all, remember how poor Nikola Tesla was–shall we say?–appropriated in the service of selling the Tesla Purple Energy Shield and the Body Regenerator Tesla Coil. Indeed, the very best woo seems to be “branded” with a dead physicist.

This time, the dead physicist is Albert Einstein:

Albert Einstein was, quite possibly, the most intelligent person who ever lived. His theories and ideas were so far ahead of his time, that even now, the smartest scientists alive are still discovering his value.

One of his theories published in 1917, worked out the theory of how lasers function. However, it was not until May 16, 1960 (43 years later) that the first actual laser was developed by an American scientist. Since then, scientists and inventors have developed many types of lasers and all kinds of uses for them. They can be used as a scalpel that is so delicate; it can be used on the eyes of human beings. Lasers are used to read price codes at your local supermarkets. And they’re used to play music and video on your CD’s and DVD’s.

But now, there is a new type of laser so effective against human disease and injury that it is rapidly changing the practice of medicine. This is a new type of low level laser which produces an unfocused light that has been…

Registered With the FDA to Be 100% Safe!

Of that, I have no doubt, although no laser is “100% safe.” Even low power lasers can injure your vision if you shine them in your eyes. Of course, the “registered with the FDA to be 100% safe” is such a blatantly obvious ploy. The assumption is that, just because something is FDA-registered or FDA-approved, people will assume that it must be effective for what the woo-meister says it’s effective for. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. But, hey, everything is better with a laser beam. Heck, as we’ve been taught by Doctor Evil, there’s nothing like sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their head to dispatch a pesky secret agent, and there’s nothing like woo-ful laser beams to cure whatever it is that ails you. And cure what ails you is exactly what Dr. Larry Lytle claims his lasers can do:

If you hold a low-level laser device against the skin of your body and turn it on, you will be able to see the laser light… but… you will not be able to feel it. There probably won’t even be a sensation of warmth. Laser light is as gentle as the kiss of a butterfly. But, from a healing point of view, it is quite possible it is more effective than drugs or surgery. Low-level laser therapy is not just the medicine of the future. For many people who know about it, it is the “medicine” they use now. The problem of trying to explain the healing powers of low-level laser therapy is…

It Works So Well On So Many Different Problems, It Seems Like It Couldn’t Possibly Be True! But it is true!

As mentioned earlier, all injury and illness creates an interruption of energy to the cells of the human body. The body will never recover until the proper amount and type of energy is restored to these cells. But once that energy is restored…

The Body Can Recover From Almost Everything!

With the correct equipment, properly used, low level lasers have been clinically shown to Reduce Pain* Reduce Inflammation* Increase Cellular Energy* Normalize Damaged Cell Walls* (so that the nutrients the cell needs to heal can get into the cell) And Even Help Correct Faulty DNA!*

Ah, yes, just what I want, the kiss of a butterfly through laser light. Of course, because this is woo worthy of a Friday “discussion,” it isn’t enough to list various treatments for which there is actual evidence that laser light may work. Oh, no. That would be too…science-based. He has to say that it can cure almost anything–excuse me, help the body recover from almost anything. Personally, my favorite claim is that laser light can correct faulty DNA, whatever that means. Does that mean, for example, it could cure Down Syndrome. After all, it’s trisomy 21; cells have an extra chromosome they shouldn’t have. I perused the list of diseases that Dr. Lytle claims he can treat, and I didn’t see any Down Syndrome.

Sounds like “faulty” DNA to me. So can the Q1000, 660 and 808 probes being sold by Dr. Lytle cure Down syndrome? Inquiring minds want to know! Or what about cancer? If there’s a disease out there with “faulty DNA,” it’s cancer, given the aberrations, deletions, amplifications, and mutations in DNA so prevalent in cancer that drive the disease. So, I would ask Dr. Lytle: Can your laser probes cure cancer? If not, why not? So I perused again the list of diseases that Dr. Lytle touts. Nope. No cancer.

I did, however, see a couple of things that caught my eye, the first of which was DNA. You know I couldn’t resist. Unfortunately, I was disappointed. All I found were a bunch of articles that were irrelevant to the claim that low level laser light can “help correct faulty DNA.” Bummer, but no surprise. The second thing that caught my eye as a surgeon was strangulated intestinal obstruction. Wow! Back when I still did general surgery, many were the strangulated intestinal obstructions that I operated on! True, we sometimes use lasers in general surgery, but for the most part they don’t have a lot of use, other than as glorified cautery instruments. But what about Dr. Lytle’s lasers? Sadly, not so impressive. All that was there was a single abstract about how ultraviolet laser light can supposedly increased the elasticity of arterial walls of the blood vessels within the walls of the bowel. Worse, the abstract didn’t even list a journal in which it was published, which suggests to me that it wasn’t even peer-reviewed. I quickly got bored failing to have my expectations met. So I wandered on to the books that Dr. Lytle has written.

Now there’s some woo! Check out Energy Trancendence:

Energy is everywhere. [Orac notes: Apparently energy is just like Elvis.] Everything in and of the universe is energy, including, but not limited to those things you can see, such as, the material things around you and the bodies of all creatures including, humans. Energy extends well beyond what you can see and even into the depths of the unknown – the black hole. Energy is before you and around you and in you as you read these lines. It is there waiting to be tapped into and utilized. The most important and misunderstood and misinterpreted energy is thought. For most people it seems nearly impossible not to think. Unfortunately, an estimated 80% of people’s thoughts are negative. Negative thoughts are counter productive to mental and physical health and wellbeing as well as longevity of the material body. Energy Transcendence not only gives you a background in energy but it also gives you answers to pave your road back to a healthier happier YOU.

Energy, Dr. Lytle. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. You do get props for managing to mention black holes in an article about medical woo. If only we could send some of your laser healing light into the aforementioned black hole in order to see what’s stronger, woo or physics. It would be best if Dr. Lytle himself were operating the laser, of course. Pay no attention to that event horizon, Dr. Lytle!

Or, perhaps we could move on to other woo by Dr. Lytle. For instance, shades of Dr. Emoto, he’s into serious water woo:

Hannaman the father of Homeopathic Medicine over two hundred years ago based Homeopathic Medicine on the principle that water stores vibrations or frequencies and the body can utilize these frequencies when the remedy is placed under the tongue or else where in or on the body or even within the body’s aura.

The new break through in treating water is to use the Q1000 laser to apply frequencies to water. It is simple. Just apply mode three of the Q1000 laser to your glass bottle of reverse osmosis water for on cycle. The proprietary frequencies of mode three are now stored in the water and will be released when the water is consumed. Rather than use these proprietary frequencies of mode three, it is possible to personalize your frequencies and have them placed in your Q1000 by using Innate Wisdom, a workbook to help you select your own beneficial frequencies.

I have a theory that by applying two Q1000 lasers with complimentary frequencies opposite one another to a 5 gallon glass bottle of purified water; the amplitude is increased creating a soliton wave with a vortex of energy that is even more beneficial to the body. This theory is based on the fact that three underground streams of water come together at Lourdes, France and creates an undisputable healing energy that is not available from the individual streams. Some conventional or western medicine thinkers may pooh-pooh this type of theory, but I remind the reader that much of physics is just theory including Einstein’s theory of General Relativity.

That’s right! Dr. Lytle don’t need no steenkin’ physics–or any other science! After all, physics is “just a theory,” just like evolution! (Theory: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. OK, OK, I’ll stop with the Princess Bride quote!) I would point out, however, that, if you’re going to invoke the most persistent and ridiculous form of quackery ever conceived, you should at least spell its originator’s name right. It’s Samuel Hahnemann, dude! On the other hand, what the heck does the observation that three underground streams of water come together at Lourdes have to do with applying laser beams to the water? I wonder if it’s anything like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters? Maybe it’s not so bad to cross the streams after all–but only if they’re streams of woo.

Dr. Lytle may be on to something, though. I guarantee that he’s come up with something just as effective as homeopathy. After all, homeopathy dilutes a substance to the point where it is nearly statistically impossible for there to be a single molecule of the substance remaining above background noise or contamination. It’s just water. So lasering the water is guaranteed to be just as effective. Hey, I have an idea! Here’s a way to make lasering Dr. Lytle’s water fun.

Sharks with laser beams on their heads.

Really. Why not? Or, if you can’t get sharks, there are always sea bass, preferably mutated, ill-tempered sea bass, to fire lasers in the tank of water in which you place them. At least then your woo will be fun.

And, no, Dr. Lytle, you don’t have to thank me. It’s my pleasure.