Your Friday Dose of Woo: Back to Atlantis

Remember Life Technology™? Back when I actually used to do Your Friday Dose of Woo each and every Friday before subjecting myself to such woo-tastically extravagant bits of unreason every week led me to decide to cut my weekly feature back to on an “as the mood strikes me” basis, Life Technology produceds some of the finest installments of this recurring series. Who could forget Vir-X™ homeopathic boner pills? Or the the Ultra Advanced Psychotronic Money Magnet Professional Version 1.0™? Or the Tesla Purple Energy Shield™? Good times, for sure.

As I sat down last night to decide upon a blog topic to drop before my eager readers, my first thought was that maybe I should take on the absolutely execrable post about autism by Derek Bickerson on one of the Psychology Today blogs. After all, if Dr. Jay Gordon and Age of Autism like it, it must be a drippy, steamy turd. And so it is. But it’s the same old drippy, steamy turd of anti-vaccine pseudoscientific propaganda. Quite frankly, it was boring, and I wasn’t in the mood. There was nothing there to distinguish it as anything more than a hack effort at anti-vaccine nonsense, and I just wasn’t in the mood for beating down amateurs. Besides, I just finished two grants this week, and I was tired. This was to be a post for a Friday, and it’s been nearly a month and a half since I’ve done an installment of Your Friday Dose of Woo.

It was at that point that I realized something. It’s been a long time since I checked out Life Technology™. I wondered if I had missed anything, or if there were any new product. That’s when I saw the Atlantean Power Crystal, and I realized that I had missed one of Life Technology’s greatest products.

What, you may ask, is the Atlantean Power Crystal? Only the most woo-tastic bit of “technology” Life Technology has ever produced? Get a load of the description:

After spending many hours researching the ancient legends and documents pertaining to the time of Atlantis, Life Technology™ have rediscovered the secret of The Atlantean Power Crystal™.

Everything in the universe vibrates and oscillates. Therefore the connecting link between all forms of energy is vibration, sympathetic harmony and resonance. By studying and applying the principles of quantum physics and esoteric science the psychonatical engineers at Life Technology™ were able to see beyond material matter and into the primary creative forces of nature. Utilising the information from diverse fields such as Radionics, Psionics, Psychotronics, Quantum Physics, Sacred Geometry, Sonics ,music and metaphysics has led to an understanding of how the human mind can interact creatively with the material universe.

Yes! The Atlantean Power Crystal has it all! I may have had a little fun with Ervin Laszlo yesterday, but even he can’t approach the level of sheer woo here. Not only is there quantum masturbation (you know, I bet I could make a lot of money off of a product named Quantum Masturbation), but there’s vibration, which any woo-meister can tell you is absolutely essential to any good mind-brain dualistic quackery, sacred geometry, and metaphysics, too! And that’s just the beginning! Don’t believe me? O, ye of little faith in my ability to identify only the finest woo:

The Atlantean Power Crystal™ is created using The Solis Method™ which was patented By Life Technology™. The Solis Method™ incorporates the toroidal power of implosion, orgone energy, phi harmonics, tensor fields, sonics and ultasonics, visible and invisible light spectrum energy and, most crucially, a unique energy template within the crystalline matrix of The Atlantean Power Crystal™.

This powerful Atlantean technology has been rediscovered at this time because humanity has once again reached a level of spiritual attainment where this technology may once again be utilised for the betterment of mankind.

That’s right. Quantum-y goodness and vibration aren’t enough. there has to be the toroidal power of implosion, too. What the heck is the toroidal power of implosion? Hell if I know, but it apparently imbues this crystal with the power of woo. I tried Googling the term, using the University of Google for the thing it’s best at: Finding woo. All I found were sites advertising Life Technology products and skeptical sites like this making fun of them. Damn. I really wanted to know what the toroidal power of implosion is. I know what a toroid is. I know what implosion is. But how do you combine toroids and implosion to produce such awesome power as the Atlantean Power Crystal. Yes, yes, I know. The toroidal power of implosion isn’t enough. You need sacred geometry, radionics, psionics, vibration and resonance, and, above all, wholesale abuse of quantum theory. Well, of science itself.

According to Life Technology, it’s spent “many hours” researching the ancient legends and documents pertaining to the time of Atlantis, which is really amusing because I’m sure there are some real historians who’d love to see those alleged documents. The legends, we already know about, but the documents? Those, I’d like to see!

Still, I bet you’re asking yourself one thing: Orac, I bet you’re asking, what can an Atlantean Power Crystal do for me? Glad you asked! (And so’s Life Technology, I bet.) Supposedly, this magick crystal was used by the ancient Atlanteans to heal and even to send human images across great distances just like television. Who knew? (Certainly not me, and, I’m guessing, certainly not any reputable historian or archaelogist.) But beware! Beware the power of the crystal. If you believe Life Technology, it was the misuse of these powerful crystals that caused fair Atlantis to come to a cataclysmic end.

But what can these crystals do for you now if you were to plunk down the $399.95 for the original version or $799.95 for the larger “macro sized” version. Personally, if you’re going to go for woo like this, it’s not the time to skimp. Go for the full Monty of woo and fork out the $800. After all, you wouldn’t want to go half way on this, would you? Especially not when it can do so many things, for example:

It heals and recharges the human electromagnetic field.

Exactly what I need: Charge me up like a battery.

It emits neutrinos, enabling the correction of intracellular frequencies. It reorients the psychic channels, increasing intuition and psychic perception through the correction of molecular frequencies in the cerebral cortex.

Who knew neutrinos could do so much? I just thought they were subatomic particles, but I never suspected that they could interface with the nervious system to provide psychic perception. After all, I always thought it was quantum coupling (or the abuse of quantum coupling by people like Deepak Chopra) that produced psychic powers.

It enables centrifugal reorganization of the chakras, nadis and the subtle energy fields throughout the body, including the independent energy that belongs to the organs.

What the heck is the centrifigual reorganization of chakras, nadis, and subtle energy fields?

It dissipates harmful cosmic rays coming from outer space.

Well that’s useful.

It positively energises drinking water for humans and pets.

So’s that.

It restores the higher nutritional frequencies of food, making it more nutritious.

This one left me scratching my head. For one thing, who knew that food is lacking in higher nutritional frequencies, needing some magical power crystal to restore them and make the food more nutritious. After all, digesting food is a chemical process. Life Technology seems to think it’s the absorption of naked energy or something. Maybe it is charging you up like a battery. But is there anything the Atlantean Power Crystal can’t do?

Apparently not:

It creates a defence against harmful cellphone radiation.

Of course it does. But it does so much more:

It gives access to the universal language of the body of light, for bilocation, translation and multilocation functions.

It facilitates spiritual development and the awareness of self and others.

It increases the strength and vital energy of people.

If reinforces the magnetic field of light on the Earth and unites humanity to Gaia and the mineral kingdom, our Mother Earth.

It unites humanity with the Universe, activating the contact with the higher forces, including the angels, archangels, illuminated masters and guides.

It connects people with the forces of light from the infinite universes.

It facilitates the ability to meditate visualise and pray.

It decontaminates the subtle inverted negative energies contained in water, by reconfiguring the subtle intrinsic data field.

You know, after the bit about uniting humanity with the universe and activating contact with higher forces like angels and archangels, the last few items are really anticlimactic. Well, maybe not quite. The part about connecting people with the forces of light from infinite universes is pretty cool too. Who wouldn’t want to commune with angels and archangels while be connected with the forces of light from infinite universes? Certainly not me, that’s for sure. Count me in! I think. I still have reservations, though. After all, if misuse of crystals like these caused the fall of the Atlantean civilization, shouldn’t I be worried? I’m also a bit concerned that all that power could go to my head. Think about it. If the Atlantean Power Crystal could really do what Life Technology claims, then it would bestow upon me nearly god-like powers. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. Think about it: Orac with god-like powers even beyond what he had in the original late 1970s TV show from which he sprang.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.