Saving your pets from tomorrow’s Rapture

I’m a dog lover. I love dogs as pets and can’t imagine my life without having a dog as a pet. When our dog Echo died unexpectedly of a particularly nasty form of cancer at 8 years of age, I was devastated. Our current dog is a great dog, and quite the character.

But what would I do if I were one of those fundamentalist Christians who apparently believe that we are at most 26 hours from the Rapture? (Or maybe not. No one said what time zone is the time zone that determines when the Rapture occurs.) I’d be whiffed straight up to heaven, but what about my dog? He’d be left to fend for himself! What would happen to him? Thanks to Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA, a group of friendly, pet-loving atheists who know they aren’t going to be whisked off to heaven tomorrow, I wouldn’t have to worry:

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 26 states, employing 40 pet rescuers. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.

What’s the charge for this service? A mere $135. A pittance! A bargain! Got any questions? Check out the FAQ:

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured?

A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

And, more importantly, because time is of the essence:

Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets’ lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

All I can say, as a dog aficionado, this is pure genius. It’s also likely to be pure profit. I only wish I had thought of it first!