Get taller, get bigger, get tighter, get it all!

Last week was kind of a downer. Oh, sure, I had some fun with choice idiocy by Mike Adams. its posts about murder and attempted murder of autistic teens and the whitewashing of the murder of Alex Spourdalakis by her mother and caregiver, which led to antivaccinationists complaining to my cancer center again. So the last few days have been a fairly unrelenting downer.

That’s why I was highly amused to see something called Get Tall 1000. There are so many things about Get Tall 1000 that are completely hilarious (if you’re a skeptic) that it’s hard to know where to start. I mean, the claims for Get Tall 1000 make the claims made for Enzyte seem plausible by comparison. Let’s see what the makers of Get Tall 1000 claim their product can do for you. They’re a surprisingly literal (but certainly not literary) bunch, because they mean exactly what the name of the product says. They claim it can make you “get tall.” Take a look:

100% GUARANTEED RESULTS ,100% ALL NATURAL (Less than 12 weeks Get appx 3-6 inches or 7.5-15 CM Taller , for age between 15-45 years old , for both MEN/WOMEN)

Discover the GET TALL Secret known to the stars in a new product that unblocks individual increasing height barriers. Get tall faster Naturally with GET TALL 1000
In today’s competitive time, smart ,charming personality has a lot to offer to face the sharpness of the competition. There may be many causes of short stature or height but predominantly following factors rule its development. Forget about growth hormone injection or limb lengthening operation. They are way too expensive and dangerous for you. What you need is a safe, effective and affordable way to grow taller naturally and easily by using homoeopathic medicine GET TALL 1000.

It is seen that short heighten people are always tensed because of their height. There are many ways to increase height one is Scientific treatment due to which one can gain height and other is Homeopathic treatment which can give you height .Now you all can take a deep breath as now your height problem will be solved by NEW HOMEOPATHIC TREATMENT.

Oh, yes! It’s homeopathy promising to make you taller. What could be the homeopathic ingredient? Well, homeopathy operates on the principle of “like cures like.” So the general quack idea is that you treat a condition by administering something that causes the condition. Maybe it’s shavings from the giant anvils that used to “shorten” the coyote in those old Road Runner cartoons. Who knows? Whatever it is, they claim that “intensive scientific research” (is there any other kind?) has “proven” that if you’re under 40 you can still grow a few inches because your vertebral discs can get thicker, and that’s exactly what Get Tall 1000 claims to be able to do:

Located between each of these 24 vertebrae are cartilaginous pads called disks . The thickness of the disks determines the length of the spinal column and directly influences the height. There are totally 25 disks, their combined length accounts 25% of your total height. Since these disks are non-fusible cartilages, they can constantly grow thicker under the stimulation of growth hormone during a life time. The thicker those disks are, the longer your spinal column is and the taller you become. Even each disk grows only 0.50 cm (0.2 inch) thicker, which is the length of this line in quotes you will grow 0.50 * 25 = 12.50 cm (5.0 inches) taller.

Even if this were true, it’ would probably have a rather odd effect on your overall body habitus. All of that additional height would come in the trunk from the pelvis to the neck. That means that, even if this product worked as claimed, all that extra height would be in the torso. That might not be that big of a deal, but, of course, homeopathy is quackery anyway and this product is some of the purest nonsense I’ve ever seen. But, hey. It’s only $159 for 900 pills. You’re expected to take 10 pills a day (five in the morning and five at night); so it’s a three month supply.

Such a bargain.

But that’s not all. There are so many other products with similar names, all marketed at the same website. For men, there’s Get Beautiful Skin 1000 and (of course!) Get Big Penis 1000. (I’ll say this for these guys; they ain’t subtle.) Not that I have any issues in that particular area (of course), but like all guys I couldn’t resist checking out the Get Big Penis 1000 product. Its claims are—shall we say?—equally stupendous as the claims for Get Tall 1000. It’s homeopathic, too (naturally), and it claims to grow a guy’s penis by 3 to 5 inches in a mere two months. I kid you not:

GET BIG PENIS 1000 takes yours body fat/protein and store it into yours Penis area to make the Penis fuller size within 2 months time, this product is fully natural and a person between 15-50 years old can use it. It also increases the sexual drive/desire and makes you more stronger & sexually active.

After a long research, our doctors have made this homeopathic medicine GET BIG PENIS 1000 which uses yours own body-fat/protein to make the present penis size bigger.

THE RESULTS ARE PERMANENT.

GET BIG PENIS 1000 was created by a leading homeopathic doctors and the formula has been reviewed by several Naturopaths, Homeopaths, and Doctors. It is manufactured in a well respected specialized homeopathic lab facility. GET BIG PENIS 1000 is registered with the GMP as an over-the-counter (OTC)/Pharmaceutical remedy. GET BIG PENIS 1000 have GMP and Clinically Proven registrations.

One wonders how a homeopathic product can “use your own body fat/protein” to increase the length of a man’s penis. Strike that. I don’t want to know. It’s probably homeopathically diluted Viagra or something. Oh wait. That wouldn’t work. Viagra makes a guy’s manhood larger, not smaller. Presumably homeopathic Viagra would make it shrivel away to nothing. Never mind. Whatever it is, these guys are promising truly ridiculous increases in penis length.

But hey (again). What good is having a big penis if you’re disease-ridden. No, I don’t necessarily mean sexually transmitted diseases (although that certainly would be a bummer), but any disease to which men are prone. No worries! They’ve got you covered for that, too, with Get Disease Free 1000. Yes, that’s exactly what the product is claimed to do, which is:

100 % GUARANTEED RESULTS, 100% ALL NATURAL
(Less than 1 month clean your body from inside, get rid of all unwanted BACTERIA/DISEASES/CANCER CELLS in yours body and make your body HEALTHY/ENERGETIC/ACTIVE/CALM and also look YOUNGER THEN YOURS AGE & FULL OF ENERGY/YOUTH guaranteed NATURALLY , this product is for both MEN/WOMEN)

Lest the ladies think that they’ve been left out, they haven’t. For the ladies, they have a variety of products, among them Get Big Breast 1000 and Get Tight Vagina 1000. It’s more of the same blather, and the writers of this nonsense must be men. I say this because the text describing Get Tight Vagina 1000 is longer than it is for the other products and goes on and on about what causes a loose vagina, after which it goes on and on about how awesome a tight vagina is. It’s all rather lascivious in a broken English kind of way. (It’s very obvious that the creators of this website do not speak English as a native language. It turns out they’re located in India.) Of course, the before-and-after pictures are completely hilarious. Be careful where you look at them, though. They’re not safe for work, as we say. I will, however, give them credit for thinking of (almost) everything. There’s even a ReduceBREAST 1000. Their Facebook page is also a hoot.

So is their page of testimonials, which starts off with a 29 year old Australian woman claiming she grew four inches in height from using these products! It’s even guaranteed. They promise to give you back 100% of your money if you’re not satisfied. Just try collecting when you tell them that you didn’t grow 4 inches, your penis didn’t grow 3 inches, or, if you’re a woman, your breasts didn’t grow or shrink, depending on the product.

Whenever I see websites like this, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. They’re such obvious scams selling quackery that I wonder how anyone could possibly ever fall for them. Obviously people must, or there’s no way these guys could stay in business. At least their websites amuse me and, through my blogging, hopefully you too. In the meantime, I strongly suspect that these guys don’t even know what homeopathy really is. They just use it as a buzzword, like so much glitter sprinkled on a costume, to make their quackery look shinier and more attractive. Sadly, people fall for it.